Dance show opened tonight. The dancers were beautiful. As for me, it wasn't one of my better nights. I alternate between good and bad nights and last night was great so tonight wasn't so wonderful. There were some great calls but I wasn't entirely satisfied. This is typical though. If you've worked on any show with me, especially on crew, you know that I'm extremely picky when it comes to calling cues. Cue calling is my art form. I don't settle for anything less than perfect so I'm very hard on myself. Tomorrow will be better though. And we're filming so that would be even better.
It's just been one of those nights. One of those nights where I'm so focused on the future that I can't even enjoy the present. Tonight should have been a happy night for me and it was for awhile. Dinner, hanging out with the crew, warming up the house with the dancers, the circle...all extremely awesome. But at the end of tonight I couldn't help but think that everything is coming to an end. I don't deal well with change. I will resist it for as long as I can. The semester ends tomorrow. Saturday will be my last night calling a show in LeFevre for awhile...possibly an entire year. I feel similarly to how I felt around this time 4 years ago. Resistant to change, clinging on to everything I know and love, fearful for the future. My fears are increased exponentially as I prepare for internship and grad school applications. Suddenly the future seems very demanding. A tendency I have is to be very attached to the present moment and regard any change as a severe interruption in my happy little life plan. And I know that once I move on, I will be fine. After all, I've survived two summers away from SMC with no trouble and even nearly gave up working the fall show because I was focused on the current happiness of THAT time. But for now, all I can think about is how much I love working in LeFevre, how much I love the people there, and how much I'm going to miss everything. It's not like I won't be busy...at the moment I have 3 shows lined up for next semester plus one (or more) in June. But I'll miss being in the theatre. The spring theatre show at SMC is an outdoor show which will be incredible but different. And as of right now I won't be working the spring dance show. That one may be the hardest for me. The dance shows have been my thing for as long as I've been here and are the highlight of my semester. They're like the prize for surviving the theatre show. So I'll just have to find my method for coping with that week once it comes, whatever method that may be. After that...well I'll have to get an internship sometime next year as part of my graduation requirement, meaning giving up one SMC show. Leaving me with one more show in the theatre. Suddenly a year and a half doesn't seem like that far away...
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