Fantasies Versus Reality

Tonight's blog entry is inspired by my wonderful friend, Mey.
I just sent her a skype message saying this: "that whole adult thing? Yeah I'm avoiding it too. Applying to grad school/leaving SMC freaks me out even more than I'm willing to admit and I prefer to live in my daydreams, visualizing the potentially wonderful life I have ahead of me in about 5-10 years. Sometimes...your fantasies are just so much more appealing".

This statement comes out of my desperate desire to cling to my vanishing childhood. Being an adult just sounds so much more terrifying. Leaving the comfort of college, supporting yourself, sacrifices and challenges, worries. When you're in college they tell you to live your dream, do what makes you happiest, follow your passion. You hear this from everyone, from your siblings to your professors to those who just feel like they need to mentor the newest generation of students. But as this comes closer and closer, I get more and more anxious about what my future holds. I'm talented. But compared to the rest of the theatre community? I'm just one more stage manager trying to get my foot in the door. I want to go to grad school. Am I going to get in? Can I pay for it? Can I live that far away from home? Will I enjoy it? Is it worth it? All worries that float around daily, never truly escaping my mind to go play in some dark swamp. Nope, they prefer to live with me, damn thoughts.

So instead of truly letting myself grasp that reality, I prefer to live in fantasies. I visualize a life I hope to lead. In my mind, if I wish something hard enough...it's bound to come true.