Summer at Santa Catalina

I miss camp so much my heart aches! My camp is no ordinary camp. It's an amazing 5 week program for girls full of activities, friends, and too many laughs to count. The girls we get at this camp are truly extraordinary and working with them actually changes your life. The counselors are the same way, just grown up versions! I've been rewatching videos I took this summer and I miss it so much. Nothing really compares to living on campus for 5+ weeks with these wonderful girls. I want that back. RIGHT NOW.

Video Part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsKQYZv-a-k

I got bored. There's a link to another video I have recorded for Anna and Fiona. So much missing going on right now!

The random blog

Hello everyone who reads this blog. Which by now is about 3 of you. Congratulations. If you're reading this--more power to you because I tend to just ramble.

Anyway, I just wanted to share with you a picture from my 19th birthday. This is Anna! And me. Anna is one of my best friends and the closest thing I have to a sister. In our world, I'm her adopted little sister and our world is the only thing that matters to us. She's been there for me since I was 14 and as the fates would have it, nothing has been able to separate us. And I love her. She's my world and without her...well that would just be sad.


When did I become a dress person? Just in the past 2 weeks I have acquired 4 dresses and 2 more previous to that. Don't get me wrong, I love dressing up. I'm a girly girl to the core. I just hadn't realized how many I suddenly found in my closet. Good thing they are all awesome.


I am currently watching The Kennedy Center Honors. Ever watched those? They're awesome, especially for a performing arts advocate like me. Looking out at that huge beautiful theatre literally makes me gasp. Moments like this remind me what I am aspiring towards. One of these days, I will be working in a theatre as amazing as that.

And on a more somber note, the Monterey Peninsula said its final farewell to a classmate of mine last week. Brandon Slater, a terribly kind hearted man, was a boy in my middle school class. He was one of the few boys I felt comfortable talking to and I enjoyed his company. I was sorry to hear he passed away on December 23 and I wished we hadn't lost touch over the years. Rest in Peace Brandon, you will be deeply missed.

For Anna and Fiona

Umm I miss you a lot and super jealous you are together in Ashland while I am here attempting to work on my Angels production book

Moral of the story: By Act 3, you just give up

Happy Birthday Hannah Marie!

Today I have had my cat for 10 years! She was the one thing I always wanted. My first word was kitty and from that point on, my parents heard about nothing else. I begged for a cat for every birthday, every Christmas. But when I was 10, my parents finally caved and I picked out my pretty new kitty. She was 2 years old, already full grown, and boy did she have attitude. She has not changed one bit she that first day and I love her for it. She isn't very social. She's a diva. She wants you to watch her eat and she will find you and make you do it. She doesn't like being held. And she isn't very cuddling. But she's my baby. I love how she clings onto me when I hold her even though she's pitching a fit the whole time. I love how cute she is when she's sleeping and how she curls up in a little ball. I love how she turns around when i call her name because she knows it. And most of all, I just love holding her and carrying her around. She'll be my baby until I have a real one :)

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

THANK YOU to my amazing parents for this great day!! My dad has excellent fashion sense/my parents enjoy treating me like their little doll so I got clothes I've been dying for and are great for updating my wardrobe. And I got a new phone!! Totally shocked, really didn't think I was getting a phone this year. I was a little reluctant at first to leave behind my faithful blackberry, the amazing phone that has been with me almost since I started SMC but this new phone has proven itself to be wonderful. Her name is Rosie because she has a pink cover and she is my new right hand man..err phone. And Tanner got a car :) The only 17 year old that I know who asked for a mini van for a car. But seeing his reaction...totally worth everything! He is so happy. I'm glad he has something to drive around in that is his (well...mostly his) and won't break down on him! And my kitty is sleeping in her brand new totally soft bed, all snuggled up. Tomorrow--family arrives! We'll eat food, play an incredible game called Battle of the Sexes, and have lots of fun before January hits us.

Hope you all had a perfectly wonderful Christmas, sending out lots of love!

Merry Christmas Darling

What a wonderful day. Lounged around today--hung out with my cat, watched youtube videos, got in the Christmas spirit. Tanner's gift FINALLY arrived--right on time! Got ready for church and I got to wear my new Christmas dress. I've been going to Cypress Community Church in Salinas for 12 years--a tradition that was initiated by my uncle and his family. Now it's just my mom and I that go but I love it. We ran into some old friends while we were there and spending the service with them was just a really wonderful gift. Saw some friends I hadn't seen in awhile too. Once we got home, the 4 of us went to a party across the street which got a little dull for Tanner and me so we left early (we had to check on dinner at home...and then just never came back haha). We got new jammies which is our tradition, dad read the night before christmas...and now Tanner and I lock ourselves in our rooms until 8 am.

Merry Christmas to the wonderful people in my life. To my beautiful family, you're the support and love I feel every day. I'm so lucky to be part of such a wonderful family. To my amazing friends, I simply say this quote "I know I'm who I am today because I knew you". You have all touched my life and I'm thankful for those blessings. To Anna, I'm so thankful you are home for the holidays. You're off to do even greater things. Africa misses you but we love you more :) To Linda, I'm thankful I ended up at SMC and in the theatre program because you've changed my life and led me to realize my full potential and what I'm meant to do in the world. And to my Christmas kitty, you are my world and I can't believe that on Monday I've had you for 10 years! Thank you for finally starting to love mommy and sleep on the bed with me :)

Merry Christmas Eve!

My favorite time of the year :) Looking forward to going to church tonight, dinner at home, then hiding in my room with my cat until 8 am...when Tanner and I can wake our parents up.
Yep, you're never too old to do Christmas the old fashioned way


Love to everyone

The sun will come out tomorrow

Every person in show business has "their" show. The show that inspired them to get into the business. I can't limit mine to just one but the memories of shows that sparked my interests in musical theatre are clear as ever.
I was 9 years old. When I was 9, my world was pretty limited. I owned 2 CDs. I listened to the oldies radio station because that was my mom's favorite. And I watched the TV shows my parents told me were appropriate. At the time, ABC had a program called "The Wonderful World of Disney" which featured a different, family friendly movie every Sunday evening at 7 pm. This was the only show I was allowed to stay up and watch and even that was a rarity considering my bedtime was 8 pm. One week I saw an advertisement for the new made-for-TV version of the movie/musical, Annie. I'd never seen the original movie, didn't have the soundtrack, never seen the play...but something about this ad caught my attention. I begged my mom to let me watch it and once I did, I was hooked. I couldn't get enough of that movie. My parents realized this and bought me the VHS tape for Christmas that year and from that point on, we were inseparable. After that my world felt a little bit bigger. My parents discovered the local theatres and, as they appreciated and were involved in the arts and felt it would be good for me, they began taking me to see shows in the area. The Sound of Music, Peter Pan, My Fair Lady, Fiddler on the Roof...shows that I distinctly remember seeing and loving. This suddenly seemed like my outlet. I never admitted to anyone but I wanted to be part of that theatre experience. I wanted to sing those show tunes, be part of that family, have people come see shows I was involved in. But I kept going back, kept seeing those shows.
When I was in 8th grade, my parents wanted me to apply to Catalina. I was a student at San Benancio Middle School, a school in Salinas, and all of the popular girls were going to Notre Dame. I wanted to do what everyone else was doing. But my parents continued to tell me that applying to Catalina would be a good thing. I was pretty open to any experience by that point, desperate for some kind of change in my life. In October, my mom and I were invited to see Catalina's fall musical, Something's Afoot, by our good friend Buzz Cole who happened to be the master carpenter. We knew nothing about the show but we liked musicals and my mom knew it would be a good idea for me to see the school before my interview the following week. I didn't know what to expect but that show blew me away. I honestly couldn't believe what I was seeing. We came back in January to see Alice in Wonderland and that exceed my expectations as well. But it was Bye Bye Birdie in the spring that really put it over the top. April 18, 2004. Seeing those high school girls up onstage, performing better than I'd ever seen professionals perform convinced me that theatre was something I should try. At the time I didn't realize how much this would change my life.
I started Catalina in the fall of 2004. Didn't know anybody except for 2 girls in my class and even them I didn't know too well. My mom, remembering my interest in theatre, encouraged me to sign up for theatre tech for the fall show, Good News. She reminded me that I already knew Buzz and it would be a good way for me to meet people and give this a shot. I was the first and only freshman to sign up the first day and was immediately intimidated and enamored by the upper classmen. My stage manager terrified me but I admired her even more for it. I don't remember much about the tech process before tech week besides the constant feeling of happiness and belonging. Everyone was kind. I felt accepted. I was meeting new people. And for the first time, I felt like I was finding something I was actually passionate about. We reached tech week and that's when it really hit me that this would be something I could do for awhile. Just the excitement backstage, the management aspect, the lists, the jobs, the people you met--I was on a natural high. I continued doing shows. I made more friends. And I loved every minute of it.
At one point during Good News, my mom said "honey, I don't think you should become a stage manager". And I replied, "don't worry mom, I never will". Famous. Last. Words. I did every show at Catalina during my career there. I did dance shows. I did music concerts. I did special events. I was there so much they had to limit my hours. I rose to deck captain and then to stage manager. i started doing outside shows. But in the back of my mind, I knew this wasn't practical. My plan for college was to study psychology and to continue doing theatre as a hobby. I applied to and was accepted by Saint Mary's College, my dream school--a perfect fit but for reasons unknown to me at the time. I don't know what trick of fate led me to Saint Mary's that beautiful day in August by the recommendation of several family friends but I thank God for it every day. I had emailed the technical director over the summer and we set up a time to meet. I met him the second week of classes, showed him my resume, and basically outlined my life story. He looked at me, looked at the resume, and said "so...you have a background in stage management". I told him yes, that was true, I had stage managed in high school. He then took me into the theatre, across the stage I have crossed thousands of times since, and led me into the office of Linda Baumgarder where I stood in the exact same position I have stood countless times since. She mentioned there was another student interested in stage managing their fall production of Abundance but lacked the prior experience. They figured that with her knowledge of the theatre and my minimal experience in stage management, this pairing could work quite nicely. I accepted the job and basically sealed my fate. I had no idea what I was getting into that day and I am so glad I did it.
Success is an interesting word. What defines it? Your achievements or yours compared to others? That's when it gets tricky. Am I successful? Sure. I'm a success. I was the youngest stage manager ever at Saint Mary's. I've risen up quite nicely. And I do my job well. But if I compared myself to others, you wouldn't exactly consider me top of the pyramid. I don't work in a professional theatre, I don't have a steady annual income, I don't get paid as often as I would like. Every now and then I let myself slip into the reality of others instead of my own. My time for all of that is coming...I just haven't hit it yet. Tonight I was reminded of this. My sister was telling me about what's important to her and how she defines success. It's not about your job, your car, your house, your university. It's about who's in your life and how you contribute to theirs. If all you have is a wonderful family and friends...then I'd say you're pretty darn successful. At least more successful than most of the world. And I'm glad I was reminded of this. Too often I get caught up in words, in labels, the definition of a "successful" college graduate. But then I think...what is my ultimate goal? Well...I want to go to grad school until I am 24, almost 25. Stage manage everywhere-go as big and grand as I possibly can-at least until I'm 27. Then...I'm going to start thinking about the bigger picture. I want to get married. I want kids. My success in my career will help me financially in this department and will make me an even better role model for my kids but that's not all I'll be. Theatre won't be the center of my world anymore and I need to make sure I have a life outside of it. It is important to me that my kids are surrounded by family and friends who are like family. That's the kind of life I want to live. The reason I got involved in theatre was because I just wanted to belong, to be surrounded by a great group of people. I wanted the camaraderie. That's what I need to take with me with every show I do. Being a friend and being a good person is far more important than back stabbing someone else just so you can get ahead. It's important to remember what's important to you and why you're in this business. Not for the money or for the fame but what peaked that interest, all those years ago.

This is for Sticking with Me

Tonight's blog is dedicated to those who have stuck with me since the beginning.

I've realized lately what a blessing it is to have friends who have stuck with you through every transition and change...every moment, big and small. Changing from school to school, changing interests, changing theatre companies--it's hard to keep the same group of friends. I'm lucky enough to have a few friends who have been there since freshman year in high school or earlier. Although we went to completely different schools, rarely found time to talk, and sometimes didn't see each other for years, they were still there. There's just something comforting about the familiarity of an old friend. There are no judgements, no need to impress the other, nothing to be nervous about. The relationship and the history is enough to support the friendship.
Gaby Rachel Kristen Anna Candace Martha Stephanie Andrea--thank you for being there.

Looking Back

My high school is the best thing that ever happened to me. This shouldn't come as a shock to anyone reading this because it led to just about everything extraordinary in my life, minus the family part. But it wasn't all rainbows, sunshine, and lollipops. I had a best friend who, unfortunately, chose to end our friendship over truly minute discrepancies and took advantage of our friendship while it still existed. She recognized my natural weaknesses as well as my determination and devotion to theatre. Her quest for power interfered with our already unstable relationship and our friendship did not end on a good note. It took me a long time to recover from that and I didn't really move on until I got to college and discovered I was my own person. I could be successful all on my own. And I became a stronger person. But a little part of me still wonders about her. And I wonder if she ever thinks of me. We shared many memories that we can't ever take back--mostly good but too many bad to repair the friendship. I think about if she regrets how it ended or if she's satisfied without me in her life. I'm curious to see how she likes college and if she's doing what she loves. And I wonder if she reads those bi-annual bulletins and sees my blurbs...realizing that I actually did accomplish what I set out to do...something she tried so hard to hold me back from.
I haven't been in contact with her for two years. The last time we exchanged anything was a facebook message containing a mass message from me to the class of 2008 explaining the format and purpose of the class notes. She simply replied telling me not to contact her regarding school information anymore. It's undetermined whether this was directed towards me or the school but we haven't spoken since then nor seen each other since graduation day, by which time we were acting as if the other did not exist. I face the very real possibility of running into her at a small alumnae event in 10 days. I've thought of this day since starting college. It will be a very interesting adventure to see how it goes. We could completely avoid each other or we could talk civilly. Whatever happens...it will be good for both of us.

Blessed Night

Today was one of those absolutely wonderful perfect days that just make you smile all over. Christmas shopping with my dad all day which I love. Watched the Oprah show with my parents--a rarity that the three of us sit down to watch anything together. Curled up by the Christmas tree with soup and Christmas cookies to watch online tv when my parents were out. Watched the Glee Christmas episode with my mom. And then spent the rest of the night watching home movies from back when Tanner and I were really little. It was just a really nice day and days like these are why I love break so much.

Singing, Full of Christmas Cheer

Tonight I went the Catalina lower school christmas concert for the first time. I'd always wanted to go but it took a special invitation to actually get me there. I didn't quite know what to expect besides what I'd seen in photos and videos but I loved it. The Performing Arts Center (PAC) was decorated with festive garland and lights and it was absolutely packed with people. The children were extremely cute, sang well, and were very well behaved. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
The reason I went to the concert this year was I was invited by Anna Hunt, my darling 11 year old camper/friend/babysitting charge/insert appropriate term here and I wanted to also see her friend Hannah perform as I have been babysitting Hannah since she was 4. I don't know when it happened but suddenly these girls are growing up and it happened without me realizing it. One minute you're playing with dolls, the next she's playing on the computer saying she doesn't really need entertainment. 7 years actually did fly by. 7 years ago I was 13. I was still at San Benancio, still not loving my life, still lacking real motivation to do anything. Hannah and Anna were 4. I'd just started babysitting Hannah and her brother Aaron who was 7 and I hadn't even met Anna yet. Over the years I've watched these kids grow up and evolve into really terrific young men and women. You hope and pray that your kids turn out well. Now these kids aren't my own but I have a very strong interest in their well being.
I can remember being about 15 years old, babysitting quite a few families, wondering how you could tell if you loved someone. I knew I loved my family and I think I knew I loved my friends but how could you tell if you really loved someone? Well, now that I have known quite a few kids and grown fond of many of them, I can tell myself that when you love someone...you just know it. I've connected and lost tough with many kids but these are some that I hope I remain in contact with for years to come. I cannot wait to see what they turn out to be.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Today, I received an email from one of my theatre professors telling me that I am the recipient of a merit-based grant for spring semester. This email came as a complete shock as I did not apply for this grant nor knew anything about it but my professors took it upon themselves to advocate for me. I cannot express how much it means to me to know that they understand and appreciate how much effort I put into the performing arts department and how financial struggles are huge. I literally cannot stop smiling. Thank you to the outstanding performing arts faculty--we may have our struggles and difficulties but in the end, we support each other. And that means everything.

Literally, best Christmas ever :)

And btw. CONGRATULATIONS Anna on your new job!! You deserve this so much and you're going to kick butt. Good luck in Virginia :)

Grading Scale

I got my grades! Normally, this is an extremely happy occasion. And I am happy. I still have an excellent GPA, it's exactly where I want it to be. But a little part of me is nagging about a couple grades that are lower than I expected without me really knowing why and the fact that people I know who don't put nearly as much effort into their grades get similar grades. Now I know this is part of life. There will always be people who put in less effort and reap the same rewards. You just hope karma kicks them in the butt. And I keep preaching that "you can't compare your successes to anyone else's" so maybe I should follow my own advice.

I'm ready for my check

Is it just me or do expenses keep piling up? One week it's the student loan payment, the next it's gas. Then you realize that you literally have one flour tortilla and half a jar of spaghetti sauce left and you're not all that gourmet-inclined so food shopping is a necessity. But it's your friend's birthday and you love her, right? So she deserves a gift. And rehearsal was just awful tonight so that spontaneous in n out trip is worth it...just another $7, nothing major. Yet that's where the cut off line to necessary expenses wears very thin.
Now obviously I am aware that this is the problem for nearly every household in America. Unless you're blessed with a buttload of money and somehow bypassed the strain of the economical crash in which case I wish you well and secretly hope you got something else lousy to deal with. I'm not even an avid spender. I have the Parsons gene, Parsons being my mother's maiden name, which is a nice way of saying I'm cheap and will buy what's cheaper no matter what the quality is. And for the most part, I only buy essentials. But even the essentials add up. First the shampoo, then the conditioner. Then you need a new razor. Then you got hungry. And then you just saw something cute in the next aisle over and that extra $3 is totally worth it. But you forgot that the stage management kit is running low on first aid items so stocking up is a must. Pretty soon that bill gets a lot higher than you had anticipated and you're debating whether or not it's worth it. Normally the answer is, yes, it is worth it since I make every effort to save my money. But the holiday season always makes things a bit strained. That paycheck just isn't cutting it. With my severely limited hours I can only work so much and apply for work in so many areas. I'm lucky I have these jobs at all--they are truly a blessing as I need flexibility with any schedule. The worst is when all those bills add up at once, which happened to be recently. Student loan payment, gas, and christmas shopping all fell to this week. As well as the little added expense of buying a new binder and the exact right tabs and page protectors and pencils to make my Angels in America production look as professional as possible. After all, I am investing in my future. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Sometimes you just gotta dig deep, tell yourself that it all evens out in the end, and keep moving forward to prevent yourself from being buried alive by the stress of the 3 Fs--future, finances, and fate. Luckily that last one fits in quite nicely with my life motto (or one of them). "Everything happens for a reason". It does. I truly believe that. Some days it takes a little more effort to remind myself of this particular philosophy but I always see the reasoning in the end.

It's 3 am...are you surprised?

Yep, the night owl in me is still awake But restless. I'm having one of those rare nights when absolutely nothing sounds appealing. I don't want to read, watch tv, watch movies, go on facebook, go on youtube, shower, clean, work on my production book, dance, eat, or decorate. Usually at least one of those catches my attention.
It might be caused by the slightly off day I had. One of those days that things didn't really fall into place and I felt out of sync. And I'm a totally "perfectly-in-step-in-sync" kind of girl. Why else would I be infatuated with the perfection of tap dance (though I have never tapped a step in my life. dying to learn.), will rearrange a room until it is absolutely perfect down to the last piece of paper, and have taken my skill for calling cues to an unhealthy obsessive level. Days like these make me feel uneasy and I'm not really okay with that. But tomorrow, all will be good.


To my best friend, Danielle: I adore you.


Btws. 2 months. AHH.

Changing Locations, Changing Personalities

I'm like the army. Only the opposite. Instead of getting more done before 7 am, I get more things done between 10 pm and 3 am than most people do all day. Being home doesn't exactly support or dissuade me from my nocturnal tendencies. No one's awake past 11 so I get time alone but I'm always surprising someone with how late I stay up and how staying in bed until noon is perfectly natural.
Coming home is always an interesting sensation. It's like being a whole different person. At school, I'm "the stage manager". I'm controlling, sweet, organized, non-dater, conservative dresser, theatre crazy, intelligent, a good friend, and, generally, successful. That's how I'm known. I've shaped an identity around that. But it's interesting how personalities change based on who you are talking to, how well you know the person, how you have previously interacted, and how much you want to impress them. Since going awake to college I've become more outgoing, more sarcastic, more "vulgar" (though definitely levels below most of my peers), most feisty, and more opinionated. I've developed a certain banter and rhythm at school that is difficult to conceal when I'm at home. Although for the most part I'm still the sweet innocent girl my parents sent off two years ago, my personality has grown stronger. I've also noticed that the way I interact with my old friends or even people I knew vaguely in high school has changed. I feel more assertive with those I knew less well as well as more engaging with those to which I am still close. It's startling when I actually take notice to it. I've grown so accustomed with a certain way of conversing with others that I'm occasionally thrown off guard when I act differently towards some people. Just goes to show that you learn a lot more than the classic texts and higher math when you go off to college.

WE'RE GOING TO REGIONALS

That's right people, Angels in America: Millennium Approaches is going to the American College Theatre Festival's Region VII competition! We were selected as one of 3 (or something around that number) to compete at the regional festival. 4-6 schools total from all the regions will be selected to go to the National festival at the Kennedy Center in DC. We're so excited and so proud!

Live Your Life

There are days I examine my life and realize that it is comprised of moments that will define my future. But for once, I'm not talking academically or professionally. Nope, tonight I'm talking about my real future--the family part. I've spent the majority of my life around children. I attended daycare for 5 years (by the time you're 9...you're over being taken care of. So I turned around a took care of the kids myself), volunteered at a preschool for 3 years, have been a camp counselor since I was 15, and I've been babysitting since I was 12. I've met so many wonderful children. And I find immense pleasure in seeing them year after year, growing and evolving and discovering the world. The greatest gift in life is to watch people grow up. This is something I took for granted when I first started working with kids but now that "my" kids are growing up much too fast for my liking, I find it remarkable how lovely they have grown up. Their personalities are defined, they have genuine likes and dislikes, they have perspective, they understand the world more, they're kind, they're generous, they understand right and wrong beyond getting rewards and punishments. And that is just plain awesome. Another group of girls I've watch grow up is my group of "sophomores". Although they are no longer sophomores, this is how I always remember them. These 6 girls, sophomore girls when I was a senior at Catalina, defined my senior year at Catalina. When I met them they were a rambunctious group. Not entirely focused, simply carefree and enjoying life. I spent many hours with them, acting as a cross between a mentor, sister, mother, teacher, and chauffeur. At the time of their graduation I took a few minutes to reflect on the beautiful women they have evolved into. Without my realization my girls grew into 6 independent, vivacious, passionate women, destined to succeed.
I now drive 2 7-year-old girls to various activities. I may only see them a couple days a week but I make sure those minutes count. I can clearly remember every babysitter, driver, counselor, and mentor I had as a kid. It's easy to forget how much you can influence kids without effort but your presence makes a difference. I make sure that during those car rides these girls learn something. That it's okay to sing at the top of your lungs. That music of all genres is cool. That being on time is essential. That compromise is necessary but little treats are special. That you are responsible for yourself and your belongings. That you must respect others. And that you will always be safe, loved, and protected. These are little lessons but they can help shape a person. And if I can make a difference in their lives, I will do my darndest to make sure it happens.
This makes me think about my own kids. My future kids. The poor things that get saddled with a crazy but very loving, passionate, patient, and organized parent. Kids aren't going to happen for awhile. My lifestyle does not accommodate the family life yet, not for awhile at least. I'm going to do the whole high powered career woman deal for the first few years (or 10...) of my professional life. Because once I do get married and have kids, that will be my priority. My current love is in the theatre. I devote hours upon hours of work and time and effort to this incredible art form. Although I am first and foremost a friend--my friends/family are neck in neck with theatre--there are times when theatre simply has to come first. Nights are theatre time. Tech weekends are theatre time. Show weekends are theatre time. That will just have to be my life for awhile. I won't be a young parent. But hopefully my age will work with me. I'll be older, hopefully wiser successful and financially secure, and ready for love. My biological clock with start ticking away at one point. And I'll know when it's time. Until then, I get to play in the theatre and watch my pretend babies grow up, hoping my own will turn out just as great as they do.
If life blesses me with a little girl of my own, I will be even luckier than I am now. I have dreams of watching my kids graduate from the pre K, lower school, and upper school of Catalina...the whole thing. So, to my future daughter, Addison (whose name I already have chosen. I'm also curious to see how this one plays out. check back with me in 20 years)...to quote rascal flatts, my wish for you is that life becomes all that you want it to...your dreams stay big, your worries stay small...

End Scene

And I'm home! What an adventure first semester was...

New living situation. First real roommate. Anna leaving for the peace corps (and..because I never mentioned this before. Anna is actually home from the peace corps. Something happened while she away but she safe, happy, and home...more than I could ever ask for). Angels in America. Financial issues. Starting a new job. Grad school research. Taking 6 classes. Having less than an hour of free time a day. Spending literally all day away from my room becoming the norm. So much time with Danielle and Kathleen. New, amazing co-workers at the nursery. Great new neighbors at school. Lighting design. Plenty of frustration. Found my voice. Grew as a stage manager. Many decisions made. Amazing dance show memories. Shannon and Linda bonding time. Super cold weather. Super hot weather. Challenging classes that I think I will get As in. So many emotions and love.

And now I'm home :) Watched GLEE with mommy. Made dinner. Did laundry. Hugged my kitty. It's easy to forget how much the simple things mean to you when you're caught up in the stress of life. My mom also saved last week's CBS Sunday Morning which featured Matthew Morrison. Best. Mom. Ever.

Tomorrow=going to Catalina and making a birthday announcement for the first time in 2 and a half years. It's Martha's sister's first Catalina birthday so, per request of Martha, I am going with her. This also means crashing Mrs. Hunt's english class (they're discussing Antigone. Thank you theatre major/seminar/catalina english classes for teaching me everything I ever needed to know about that play. I feel like I will be a productive addition to that class). I cannot wait to see people I love and although the idea of making an announcement again doesn't thrill me...sometimes you gotta do crazy things for the people who mean the most to you!

It's Official

I am officially entering myself into the Region VII American College Theatre Festival's stage management competition. This will consist of presenting my production book, an interview, and a stage management simulation of calling light and sound cues. I am so excited, especially about the simulation aspect considering that is my strongest attribute as a stage manager. If nothing else this will be a great experience and a potential opportunity for scholarships and connections to grad school. Plus giving me the opportunity to see who and what else is out there as well as learning how to present myself as a professional.


Can I just say I have the best friends ever? They know me SO well. Christmas gifts=a personalized clipboard from Danielle and a pearl bracelet and a tinkerbell blanket from Kathleen.

Music in Performance final in the morning then some more studying and PACKING! Can't wait to see my family, my cat, my friends, and Catalina

I've also decided to take a dance class during Jan Term. I've been out of dance for a year now and I'm going crazy. It will be an intermediate modern class so that will be a new challenge but an awesome way to start my day 3 times a week. SO EXCITED.

Good things are happening--I can feel it!

Dominated

Foundations final=DONE. Thank the lord that class is now over because it was literally the bane of my academic existence this semester. Note I said ACADEMIC because I had to categorize my life in separate areas in order to deal with the crazy overload. That final...oh wow...2 straight hours of writing. And thinking. Whoever said being a theatre major was easy has clearly never taken a theatre class. Because that is a very ignorant view. But I dominated that final. And then I went to work. Apparently I'm also kicking ass in that department because when I told the girls I wouldn't be seeing them until January, Natalie said she would miss me and gave me a hug. This may seem minor but when you only see kids once a week and that is literally just to drive them for 20 minutes, clearly you're doing something right if they enjoy seeing you.

Tuesday: Study sleep pack. Sit for 2 pointless hours in Reba's class. Dinner. Study sleep pack.
Wednesday: Music in Performance final. Study sleep pack.
Thursday; Psych final. LEAVE FOR HOME!!!

Well. You could say I'm excited :)

I'm topping off my night with some psych studying, room cleaning, and christmas list making while listening to amazing christmas songs and thinking about the wonders that await me at home including an 11 year old girl who is amazing and desperately needs some Catalina alum love.

Productivity at its Finest

Today was ridiculously busy and eventful. Where to begin? Hmm what does the song say...oh yeah...

Let's start at the very beginning


Work at 8 am. Small children=lots of smiles, hugs, drool, crying, diaper changes, and laughter. Pretty sure Danielle and I saw our future today. And for the most part...we'll be okay with it in about 10 years.

Lunch with Danielle. Realized, once again, that I miss her too much when we aren't doing shows together. Okay granted it's only been a week but that feels like forever when you're used to spending every night and part of the day with someone. And you wonder why I'm having issues moving away form SMC theatre.

Saw AIDA at the SF Opera House. Definitely a learning experience. Not sure opera is my thing but I'm glad I had the opportunity. Got to analyze all the tech elements. I'm such an awful audience member :)

Kicked butt studying for my Foundations of Theatre II final. If he sticks to the study guide material, I'll at LEAST get a B but hopefully an A. If he strays...then I wish myself luck.

Dinner at In N Out with Andrew Danielle and Kathleen

More studying, got back to my room at 10 pm after being away since 8 am

Other updates?
-Got some info about internships at the Lesher Center in Walnut Creek so I'm pursuing that. A little less worry knowing that it is possible to get an internship that is A, close to school, B, hires on a project-by-project basis, and C, potentially pays!
-Updating my webpage with more information and pictures. http://shannongaughf.wordpress.com.
-Finals studying under control for the moment
-It's my mentor's birthday. Enough said. Linda makes my world go round and we all know this.

And in other news

Something I didn't do yesterday but deserves to be acknowledged. 4 years ago I lost my uncle and godfather, Rob, to skin cancer. Although the sting of the loss has generally subsided, it's not something you completely get over. Rob was diagnosed with skin cancer in 2004. He fought his hardest and rarely let the disease get the best of him. Though divorced at the time, he was always surrounded by excellent friends and family who dearly loved him. His pride and joy were his kids. His son, Chris, was away at college but his daughter, Leah, was in high school at the time. In May 2006, it became clear that he could not adequately care for himself and for the first time in his life, my wonderfully stubborn uncle let someone else take care of him and he moved in with my family. The first day he moved in I was nervous...a little scared...a little unsure about what to do. I happened to have gotten an A on my first term paper that day and I told him about it...it was a small gesture but just a way to break the ice. 2006 was an important year. I turned 16. Rob got me a card that told me I would be a great driver, though he knew I was afraid to get my license. And he was there when I got home that day in November when I actually got my license. Tanner was going through a disgruntled phase and although he didn't talk much to us, he was forced to interact on a daily basis with Rob as the computer was in the guest room and that's where Rob lived. Tanner, as well as the rest of us, got the impact of having another strong male presence in the house. With 3 adults around it could be slightly intimidating for us as kids but I learned so much. I wish I could say that I "grew up" while he lived with us and I suddenly became a much stronger person but honestly, that was when I was at my weakest. Socially and academically I was struggling to find myself and establish a balance in my life. And at home I had the worries surrounding me every day. In June, my parents took Tanner to Arizona for a Diamondback's baseball game for his birthday leaving me at home alone with Rob. Even though I was 15, my parents felt comfortable with this situation and my aunt would frequently be checking in during the day and staying with us at night. But the first day my parents were gone, Rob suddenly took a turn for the worst. I have never been more grateful to see my aunt, who serendipitously showed up right when I felt too overwhelmed to handle the situation. Rob went into the hospital that night but, strong as ever, he fought and came out on top. As the months progressed his conditioned altered between pretty good and fairly poor. There were days I forgot he was sick and there were nights that I lay awake as his coughing in the next room haunted my dreams. I didn't talk about it much with my friends...I wasn't doing so well in that area and wasn't in any position to add more drama to a disparaging situation. As the semester came to a close, I began to prepare for finals and focus on my Christmas plans. Sunday December 3...I was scheduled to watch Dead Man Walking at school for a religion class assignment. I had recently gotten my license and that day my actual license arrived in the mail. My dad was letting me drive his car to school, a first for me. Before I left, I knew that Rob wasn't doing well but my parents attempted to shield me from the situation. As I sat in the Hills common room watching the movie, I had a sinking feeling something was desperately wrong. I returned home to discover that Rob had been admitted to the hospital again. As this was a recurring incident, none of us thought much of it. We had almost lost him so many times that this didn't seem to be any different. The next morning I woke up, put on my uniform, and went out to the kitchen as I did every morning. My dad was already there with Tanner. It was then that he told us, very matter of fact and very somberly, that Rob had passed away early that morning. I numbly went to school, trying to hold back tears at breakfast. When someone asked, I explained the reason for the emotions but didn't elaborate. By lunch I was ready to go home. I called my dad and as I sat on the front lawn, I put on the song Believe by Josh Groban as a method of coping. To this day it is the song that reminds me of my uncle and everything he represented. As I listen to it now, I am transported back 4 years...4 years ago when things were different...when we were all a little younger, a little more naive, a little less weathered. Time can't heal all but it does help. We will always miss him. He will no longer be the head of our table at family holidays and sharing in special conversations with the cousins but he's always with us. Uncle Rob, wherever you are...we love you so much and are so proud of how hard you fought. Our greatest comfort is that you are no longer in pain. We hope that wherever you are you will always look down on us and be proud of the work we are doing. Love forever and ever.

Tears of Joy, Tears of Sadness

And once again, we have completed our spring dance show. If I could do the dance show all year round I totally would. It's like my little prize for surviving the semester.

I've gotten over the habit of crying when a show is over so the fact that I cried while I left the theatre tonight says something. This show meant a lot more than just a bi-annual tradition. It was the culmination of months of hard work. It exemplified some of my best traits as a stage manager. I got to work with people I'd never gotten to know before. I got my one-on-one time with Linda. And it's my last dance show this year. I'm in denial but it's true. I'm not doing the spring dance show and right now it's breaking my heart. I know that once I get there it won't be a big deal but right now it's truly heartbreaking. Leaving the booth tonight was difficult. I won't be calling a show up there for another year as the spring theatre show will be held outside and it is more than likely that my internship will be happening in the fall. I feel secure in the booth. That's where I became a stage manager. That's where I've succeeded and failed more times than I can count. So I have to trust that everything I learned and loved in the booth will travel with me wherever I go and that these memories are strong enough to keep me going when times get tough.

To the fabulous dance company, crew, Cathy, and Linda--thank you for giving some of the happiest memories in the theatre. My tears tonight are for you, to express my immense gratitude towards your work and sadness that we will not have these moments again for a year. But I will be back and better than ever :)

Openings and Optimism

Dance show opened tonight. The dancers were beautiful. As for me, it wasn't one of my better nights. I alternate between good and bad nights and last night was great so tonight wasn't so wonderful. There were some great calls but I wasn't entirely satisfied. This is typical though. If you've worked on any show with me, especially on crew, you know that I'm extremely picky when it comes to calling cues. Cue calling is my art form. I don't settle for anything less than perfect so I'm very hard on myself. Tomorrow will be better though. And we're filming so that would be even better.

It's just been one of those nights. One of those nights where I'm so focused on the future that I can't even enjoy the present. Tonight should have been a happy night for me and it was for awhile. Dinner, hanging out with the crew, warming up the house with the dancers, the circle...all extremely awesome. But at the end of tonight I couldn't help but think that everything is coming to an end. I don't deal well with change. I will resist it for as long as I can. The semester ends tomorrow. Saturday will be my last night calling a show in LeFevre for awhile...possibly an entire year. I feel similarly to how I felt around this time 4 years ago. Resistant to change, clinging on to everything I know and love, fearful for the future. My fears are increased exponentially as I prepare for internship and grad school applications. Suddenly the future seems very demanding. A tendency I have is to be very attached to the present moment and regard any change as a severe interruption in my happy little life plan. And I know that once I move on, I will be fine. After all, I've survived two summers away from SMC with no trouble and even nearly gave up working the fall show because I was focused on the current happiness of THAT time. But for now, all I can think about is how much I love working in LeFevre, how much I love the people there, and how much I'm going to miss everything. It's not like I won't be busy...at the moment I have 3 shows lined up for next semester plus one (or more) in June. But I'll miss being in the theatre. The spring theatre show at SMC is an outdoor show which will be incredible but different. And as of right now I won't be working the spring dance show. That one may be the hardest for me. The dance shows have been my thing for as long as I've been here and are the highlight of my semester. They're like the prize for surviving the theatre show. So I'll just have to find my method for coping with that week once it comes, whatever method that may be. After that...well I'll have to get an internship sometime next year as part of my graduation requirement, meaning giving up one SMC show. Leaving me with one more show in the theatre. Suddenly a year and a half doesn't seem like that far away...

Fantasies Versus Reality

Tonight's blog entry is inspired by my wonderful friend, Mey.
I just sent her a skype message saying this: "that whole adult thing? Yeah I'm avoiding it too. Applying to grad school/leaving SMC freaks me out even more than I'm willing to admit and I prefer to live in my daydreams, visualizing the potentially wonderful life I have ahead of me in about 5-10 years. Sometimes...your fantasies are just so much more appealing".

This statement comes out of my desperate desire to cling to my vanishing childhood. Being an adult just sounds so much more terrifying. Leaving the comfort of college, supporting yourself, sacrifices and challenges, worries. When you're in college they tell you to live your dream, do what makes you happiest, follow your passion. You hear this from everyone, from your siblings to your professors to those who just feel like they need to mentor the newest generation of students. But as this comes closer and closer, I get more and more anxious about what my future holds. I'm talented. But compared to the rest of the theatre community? I'm just one more stage manager trying to get my foot in the door. I want to go to grad school. Am I going to get in? Can I pay for it? Can I live that far away from home? Will I enjoy it? Is it worth it? All worries that float around daily, never truly escaping my mind to go play in some dark swamp. Nope, they prefer to live with me, damn thoughts.

So instead of truly letting myself grasp that reality, I prefer to live in fantasies. I visualize a life I hope to lead. In my mind, if I wish something hard enough...it's bound to come true.