Reasons

I feel like every post I have on here is a repeat of the last one...

But this is why I actually have no time to talk!

1. 5 classes
2. Internship, which is half an hour away, 5 days a week including Sundays
3. Work, 3 days a week
4. Assistant production manager for St. Mary's production of June in a Box
5. Production management duties for the SMC fall dance show
6. Soon to be stage manager for RENT in Walnut Creek
7. Senior project
8. Grad school essays
9. GRE studying


All of that combined leaves me busy 6 days a week with hardly any free time. Saturdays are my only "day off" and I've spent the past two working. I don't have any weekends to myself until Christmas... :)


So now you know. At this point it's a daily struggle to not fall behind so everything else is harder to fit in.

I am also not writing in this blog as much because I am writing in another blog to track my internship experience. If you want to read THAT blog, give me your email address and I will invite you

For those of you who don't think I could get any busier...

..well I have

I'm nearly impossible to reach these days not because I do not love all of you anymore but because as of today I have begun a professional theatre internship which has me in rehearsals 5 days a week in addition to 1 night of rehearsal a week at SMC, going to classes, working two jobs, working on my senior project, and applying to grad school. Needless to say...free time has ceased to exist. Not that it really existed before but this time it really went away. I am thrilled about the internship as I will be working on an actors equity show (aka...the union, big time, professional) but it is half an hour away...so I'm gone from 5-11 ish 4 nights a week and giving up much of my Sundays to this process. Yikes.

And I'm Back!

I'm beyond thrilled to be starting senior year tomorrow. I've never had a better living situation or a fuller schedule or a happier reason to go to class. I love that my best friends are just on the other side of me, that I have amazing suitemates, that I really like we all live in this space. It's wonderful.

Let It Happen

Today I literally wanted to sleep all day to avoid everything

And, sadly, I pretty much mastered that

I'm not the type to run away from responsibility but I will ignore reality if it suits me better. Too much reality.

My old technical director, Greg, is in the hospital again. Most likely he won't be back to Catalina even once he recovers. That is not something I want to deal with. So what do I do? Throw myself into a project. Hopefully it will cheer him up knowing us tech girls care about what happens

A very special person is moving. Again. Far away, again. It feels too similar.

Internship stress bogged me down today and I nearly lost my mind until the most amazing opportunity came to me. Nothing promised yet but I might have an amazing internship secured by next week

Job interview set for Friday. This job would be a dream come true for next year...pays well, fits beautifully in my schedule...I really really hope that works out


So right now...too many unknowns but slowly they are coming together

My Memories

When I started theatre, almost exactly 7 years ago, I was really into displaying EVERYTHING. So I saved a program and posters and little notes I'd accumulated during the show and tacked them up on a bulletin board in my room. As theatre slowly started taking over my life, my boards became a shrine to my passion. By the time I graduated, I had 4 bulletin boards completely full with programs, posters, postcards, ribbons, notes, and anything I could salvage from the shows that could be tacked up on the board.

When I started college, I needed a new binder for every show. At the end of each show I would close the binder (happily...I'm usually very ready for closing night) and put it in a box under my bed. I now have two boxes full of binders and every now and then I pull them out. It's fun to see how my style has evolved and to also be reminded of what each show was like. The transformation from Abundance, my first college show, to Angels in America, my grad school portfolio submission, is drastic. Angels has not joined the morgue of old shows quite yet as it is still very much alive. Once the grad school process is over...that's when I will finally put that binder away.

Timetable

I've never done things on the same time table as everyone else. I was the girl who matured at least two years before every other girl in my class yet has never been in a relationship. Ages just don't mean as much to me as everyone else.

I didn't get my license on my 16th birthday, I got it 3 months later on a date that meant more to me at a time when I felt more comfortable.

I've never had a boyfriend yet I've been planning my future since I was 11

I didn't do anything special for my 18th birthday (I was a camp counselor) but essentially that's the year I started my career

And on my 21st birthday I watched Mulan and drank sparkling cider with some of the best people I know. The desire to drink has never existed. Now that school is approaching, the pressure is mounting. You think that there's pressure when you're underage? Try when you're legal. At least you have a built in excuse when you're not legal. Now I'll have to convince people that I don't drink. Which in theory sounds easy and you're probably thinking if I had a backbone, it would be easy. The issue doesn't lie in me drinking--I don't do anything I don't feel completely comfortable with. It's the expectation that exists. I wish that it wasn't automatically assumed that now that I'm 21, I will suddenly feel comfortable with drinking. I don't care how safe it is, how people will look out for me...it's just not something I'm interested in nor do I feel comfortable with it yet. When I feel like I'm ready, it will just happen. I'm just hoping the rest of the world will understand that and leave me alone like they've done up until this point.

Things I look Forward To

Amidst the stress of senior year and my future, there is one comforting thought. I honestly cannot until I reach the age where I will have a family and finally have kids of my own. Although I'm learning to live in the moment better and am taking things one day at a time, I'll be excited when those days are here.

I can't wait to see who I end up with. What my kids will look like. How many I'll have. If they are adopted or biological because adoption is something I'm interested in. Where we'll live. And finally get to make home movies of my own. I look forward to every milestone, from their first steps to their high school graduations. I think there is nothing more precious than watching children grow up and reach their own moments of success. And when those days are here...I think I'll definitely be living in the moment.

Never a Moment of Stasis

You can thank my director, Reid, for the use of the word "stasis". It's one of his favorites to use in acting class and during rehearsal processes

Today was one of those crazy whirlwind days which began in a lovely way.

Spent about an hour talking to Linda which is definitely something I needed. With all of the projects I'm working on, she's one of the people I need most to remind me that it will all be okay.

Almost got an internship today but I don't think that one's going to work out so I'm literally back to square one. Keep your fingers crossed...I'm getting worried.

My dad finally came home! His truck broke down at our cabin and he was supposed to be back on Wednesday but now he's home

One of my closest friends will be leaving the country for awhile. Limited communication to the states. I'm going to miss her terribly I really gotta get better about dealing with stuff like this.

I'll be going to the American College Dance Festival in March which I'm really excited about. I'll be stage managing one of our dance pieces which is an awesome opportunity for me. I've never gone before but as it's my senior year, Linda and Cathy have been trying for awhile to find the right time for me to go and now we found it!

Confession: I really like a Miley Cyrus song right now. I KNOW, as a person she disgusts me and for the most part her voice is obnoxious but her song "I'll always remember you" is pretty fitting for my life right now

What's Normal

Normal people sleep at 2 am

I study for the math section of the GRE with my kitty sleeping next to me and listen to the Yale Whiffenpoofs on repeat as my reminder for why I'm doing this crazy thing

I swear to God, whoever wrote out the explanations of these problems has never taught a class on math. Either that or their class failed because they are so unclear

Dear Small Critters

Dear small critters who insist on skittering across my roof at night,

Um

Stop

It's becoming increasingly annoying and I do not like noises in the night


Thanks

Reminders

There's a lot I have to conquer

Internship
Grad School Apps
GRE
Senior Project

Any number of these would be enough to keep me busy but, per usual, I'm not taking the easy way out

Tonight I pulled out my Angels in America binder, the one thing that's going to get me through the next few months, as a reminder for why I'm doing all of this. That binder is the representation of everything I've learned for the past 7 years and a demonstration of my ability...proof that, in fact I can do this.

So when I get overwhelmed, which is a frequent occurrence, or doubt that I can actually pull this off (also a frequent occurrence), I just need to pull out that binder. It's full to capacity with memories...the memories of the original production and the tour and everything those meant to me. It wasn't an easy process by any means but it bonded us together. We undertook one of the greatest adventures of our careers and I will never forget what that meant to me. The people I worked with, the people who believed in us, and the people I spent time with during the process...that's what that show really was. How we all came together for this common goal...the true representation of theatre.

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where I'm going to get an internship, how good my grad school essays will be, if I will be able to answer a single question on the math section of the GRE, if my senior project will make Linda proud, or if I will even get into grad school. I don't even know how much sleep or real rest I'm going to get until I have a definite answer for all of these questions but I do know that I will get through it. Through every email to theatre companies, every rewritten grad school essay, every demanding question on the GRE, every step I take to perfect my senior project, and even through the potential grad school rejections. Because I have something that not everyone can boast about. I have the most incredible support system you could ever imagine. They believe in me, they believe in theatre, and they actually know how to do their jobs well. If I fail it won't be from lack of trying.

Amazing

It is utterly amazing that after twenty minutes of passionate hysterical sobbing over...well the instigator was my GRE math study guide and it was just downhill from there...that all I needed was to go through all of my tagged photos on Facebook and remind myself of all the crazy fun memories I've had.

Good to know because I feel like this is going to be a recurring theme this year.

The Skates

Today I laced up my competition roller skates for the first time in over a year. I went skating last year with my suite but those were rental skates and although they got the job done, they weren't mine.

Wearing these skates reminded me how much fun and security I felt while I was skating. These skates look worn. Their once pure white color and perfect round wheels are now stained with memories of every competition, every practice, and every routine I executed. But their familiar feel and look is comforting. Although it took me a little longer to lace them up (I used to be the first person out of the floor and the first to leave at the end of practice because of the speed at which I laced my skates), the routine felt familiar.

Skating in my front entry way isn't quite the same as having an entire seamless floor over which to skate but it was the idea that this is still something to which I belong. This is my sport and I miss having the chance to do this 3-4 times a week.

So my hips are now sore from trying the spreadeagle and I definitely fell once but it's totally worth it.

Hello Again

Somehow this summer has dwindled down to nothing but three weeks left. I don't really know when that happened, as is the case with much in my life. Sadly I spend so much time living in the future that I forget to appreciate the day to day miracles.

So what does this mean? It means my jobs are done. It means I should begin getting ready for school. And it really means I should be doing everything I put off all summer. However, as I am constantly examining my life and attempting to understand why I am the way I am, I've discovered that there is no point trying to make me do something unless I am entirely motivated and whole heartedly willing to put in the effort. And on the flip side, once I find that motivation it is essential I follow through because who knows when it will come back.

Which has led us to where we are today. Spending long days sitting in my house, streaming Netflix for endless hours, eating as poorly as a reasonable person could, and cuddling with my cat. Upon tiring of these frivolous activities, I study for the GRE...at 2:00 am. I could be reasonable and just sleep but I know that I have to grab those moments of motivation or I will literally never get anything done. I wish I could say the motivation to write my grad school essays had surfaced but sadly that desire is remaining dormant for the moment. For topics that seem so easy I'm having the most difficult time forming complete sentences. How do you reduce your entire passion and structure of life into six five-hundred word essays?

On the one hand, I could talk for hours about theatre. How theatre changed my life. Why I feel stage management is simply ingrained into my soul and defines every move I make. How a school changed the way I saw myself. And how one person made all of that come together. And on the other hand, I am accustomed to talking about these defining moments in conversational terms and I am trying to impress the top universities in the country. But no pressure or anything.

Those are the thoughts of the night. More tomorrow.

With love





***
Case in Point: I wrote the first paragraph to my Columbia essay (or...the first draft of it anyway)



Learn from the Past, Live in the Present, Lean towards the Prospective

Theatre is a collective experience, rich with integrity, theories, and ardor. In my years of working in theatre I have been blessed to work with many lovely and passionate artists, and I have also been fortunate to see the positive light in every negative situation. With each show brings countless reasons to laugh, inevitable instances from which to learn, and appreciated moments of stasis. As I continue to hone my craft I am perpetually acquiring new influences that dictate the doctrine by which I stage manage. I view every show as a new challenge, a new learning experience, and new opportunity to make the acquaintance of someone with the ability to change my life.

How wonderful life is that you're in world

I haven't updated this in so long so I apologize to the mass numbers of you (i.e. the 4 of you who read this) that have been wondering what I'm doing with my life. No I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, at least not literally. Socially, just a little.

It's July 17. My shows are coming to a close in a week, summer closing in a little over a month, and all I can think at this precise moment is how I got this lucky. Why I was blessed early in life with amazing family, wonderful friends, and a die hard passion for something I will never know. But this summer is pretty telling of that.

Camp:

Camp comes to a close next Saturday. I spent the first two weeks getting a feel for the show, getting to know the campers, and spending some great time with two of my closest friends, Kristen and Fiona. I began teaching on July 4 and let's just say I have a new found respect for teachers. Although I had an idea of what to expect, teaching has been a whole new experience for me. First off, I am the youngest teacher by at least 5 years. Most teachers are at least 30 if not older. That in itself is a challenge as it is an adjustment for those who were used to me being a counselor and now have to adjust to seeing me in a different role. I have four wonderful girls in my class (I began with 2, so this is a step up) with more energy than I know what to do with and virtually no theatre experience. We spent two and a half weeks learning about backstage theatre and what it is comprised of. They watched DVDs of past camp shows where I asked them to point of specific technical elements they noticed as well as DVDs of previous SMC Dance Company shows where I asked them to describe what they saw in the lighting. About a week into the class I took them to the recital hall on campus. The recital hall is smaller than our performing arts center but had a light board and some instruments hung which made the perfect light laboratory for the girls. Once the girls discovered the freedom they had with the light board and what options were available to them, they had a real interest in it. I had them each create a design of their choice and then write out a description. We took a picture of each design and they will be on display in the performing arts center on closing day. We are now in tech week which is a very unique process this year since the show isn't even complete yet. But the girls were great on Friday. I'd taken them to rehearsals during class a few times so they already had a sense of what their responsibilities were. I'm really pleased with the progress they've made and I hope they are enjoying themselves. Nearly all of them wanted to be a spotlight operator so I literally had to hold "auditions" but in the end, they're all exactly where they should be during the show. As challenging as it is (keeping 4 12-year-old girls on task is a a nearly impossible feat at times), it's been a very rewarding process. One student in particular seems to really understand and enjoy technical theatre. She reminds me a bit of myself and I hope she continues with it. It's a special gift to really appreciate the art of technical theatre and I hope she realizes that.

Once Upon a Mattress:

My show closes next Sunday and although I am sad to be leaving people, it has been such a good experience for me. I already knew this director from last year's production of Rent and I really enjoy his style and attitude concerning all aspects of theatre. My stage manager was new to me but she and I had an instant connection and it's been a great experience working with her. This show wasn't without its challenges though. We had a total of three rehearsals locations due to renovations being done to our home theatre and working in a new performance space to many kept us on our toes. We used a taped out set for the entire rehearsal process as we weren't in our real location until two days before tech. We had hardly any props or real furniture until the week before tech. And as we are trying to get our show up on its feet, the company itself was moving out of their home of 30 years and into storage and portable classrooms to make room for renovations. Through all of the challenges however, we managed to bond as a company. At our final rehearsal on the Morgan Stock Stage before renovations began, the entire company stood together in a circle and remembered how many years of history existed on that stage. It was a precious for many as they had performed a significant number of times in that theatre as children, as teenagers, and as adults. We then moved to a rehearsal location in our temporary shop in Sand City. We had an area dedicated to the "stage" while the rest of the warehouse was full of lumber, power tools, and many old set pieces transported there for storage. It wasn't ideal but it worked for us until we were finally able to use the Forest Theatre. We began battling the elements as soon as we arrived and had to cut our first rehearsal short due to VERY heavy fog (welcome to Carmel...) and canceled a tech rehearsal due to rain but the cast moved seamlessly from the taped-out set to the very real one on which they were now expected to perform. Now we have completed 3 weekends of show full of laughter, funny mishaps, and plenty of backstage bonding.

Acceptance

Copied and pasted from facebook


JUNE IS NATIONAL GAY PRIDE MONTH: Repost if you know or love someone who is gay. A wish that people will SOON understand that being gay is not a disease or a choice! People who are gay are not looking for a CURE but for ACCEPTANCE & EQUAL RIGHTS. Many won't copy and paste this. PROMOTE LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. STOP THE HATE! ♥



Love to all of my LGBTQIA (I remembered the order without having to look it up...yes!) friends and especially to one of my best friends for being so strong and loving amidst far more difficulty than any person should have to withstand.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the best dad I could ever ask for. It's hard to sum up how amazing he is in a list but here goes my best shot.

Thank you for...

-Cooking even when you're tired
-Giving us parties
-Taking us to get our cars fixed
-Telling us not to worry about money while still instilling a strong sense of financial responsibility
-Putting up with my cat even though you are allergic and she is annoying
-Always calling me back
-Being genuinely excited about all of my accomplishments
-Giving me advice when I'm having trouble
-Teaching me about the world
-Having an answer for everything
-Always believing in me
-Coming to all of my shows no matter how far away they are or how boring
-Helping me keep my worries under control
-Always letting me hang out with you
-Taking me along on all of your errands
-Teaching me without nagging
-Waiting up for me even when I get home late
-Understanding my career path
-Never making me feel stupid even when I have those special blond moments
-All of those school projects "we" made together
-The years of morning lectures in the car
-Making me look good because your fashion sense is way better than mine
-Doing my hair for prom and graduation
-Knowing who's important in my life and asking about them
-Teaching me how to tackle the tough situations in life
-Building our beautiful house
-Giving me my car. And just about everything else worthwhile I own
-Sending me to Catalina even though it cost as much as an excellent college education
-Teaching me how to set the table
-Making me play the flute
-Keeping all of the ridiculous gifts we've given you over the years
-Giving us amazing Christmases
-Not yelling at me even though we are always making noise when you are sleeping
-"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life"
-Teaching me not to be a victim. You'd never let me stay down long enough...whenever I fell, I had to get right back up and keep on going
-Teaching me to be responsible for myself
-Fixing everything in the house and in the yard
-Showing me how to be the best person I can

Happy Father's Day daddy, I love you <3

The Serenity Prayer

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference"


There is much in our lives over which we have control. But accompanying those controllable qualities are those we simply must accept.

We are born unique. Different lifestyles, different body types, different personalities. Our experiences will never the same as the next person's due to these distinct variations. There is no ultimate solution to the issues we face.

The key to happiness doesn't lie in self help books, documentary news programs, or even in the words of your best friend. Your ultimate peace lies within the pieces you choose to string together from each source of inspiration in your life. Inspiring quotes, mantras, stress relief--personal choices compiled into one philosophy for living. Relying on the world to provide for you won't do any good, you must take it upon yourself to find a way to establish a happy balance.

Am I happy all the time? Of course not. I still see myself as the awkward 11 year old with acne, glasses, braces, bad hair, bad clothes, no friends, and definitely no boyfriends. It's an image I've tried to shake but on bad days, that's all I see. But I can't let that limit me. Sure my face has recently decided to re-explode into a series of monstrous zits that stubbornly refuse to go away. But my hair has become something I love and cherish. I'm not entirely satisfied with my clothing but I feel confident when I leave the house. I'm not and never will be popular but I'm blessed with some beautiful friends, teachers, and mentors who are still there even when I feel like the lowliest human being on the face of the earth. And I've never dated anyone but still feel successful because I've begun a wonderful career and believe that the right guy(s) are just going to fall into line when I'm ready for it.


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
I cannot change the way my skin reacts to life. My skin will be forever more a pain in the butt to manage and I'll just need to be grateful for the moments of bliss when it settles down into something semi-presentable.
I cannot change my coloring. As my mom puts it, I'm not one of those girls who can wear any color and any style and pull it off--I have very distinct coloring and must dress myself according. Does this mean I can't wear the soft pretty colors other girls do? Yep. But I'll just get to wear bold, striking colors that might make me stand out even more.
I cannot control my personality. Naturally, I am a person who likes things a certain way, who is stubborn, and who is sensitive. But I can accept the flaws that accompany this demanding disposition and embrace the strengths.


Courage to change the things I can
I can embrace the career I have chosen for myself and let life happen as it may. Apply for the jobs, keep a smile on my face, and always have a back up plan.
I can be kind, generous, and good spirited even when I am feeling down. My negative attitude should never affect another person's world.
I can provide for myself and others to the best of my ability and recognize limitations. As long as basic needs are met, nothing else really matters.
I can take care of myself and understand how better to treat my body

And wisdom to know the difference

Life is a journey. Sometimes it takes awhile to realize the difference between what is innate and what is external.

Explore. Try new things. Push your boundaries. Discover how much of you is inherit and how much is an image you force upon yourself.

When times are bad, find a quote that reminds you of your values and your mission. Something that is true to yourself that wil encourage constant reflection on yourself as a person and your impact on the world around you. And when all else fails?

Just smile. In time, all things will pass

Western, Wicked Women

For those of you interested, here is my final research paper for Women Playwrights


Shannon L. Gaughf
May 12, 2011
Final Research Paper
Professor Rebecca Engle

Western, Wicked Women

“I’ll get you my pretty. And your little dog too!” This famous line is used in the MGM Entertainment Group’s adaptation of Frank L. Baum’s The Wizard of Oz, which carefully constructs a relationship between two witches to show that one is clearly evil and the other inherently good. The audience does not have the opportunity to evaluate or judge the Wicked Witch of the West or Glinda the Good in an objective way; they merely resort to conforming to the stereotypes of good versus evil. These two witches live in the land of Oz where Glinda the Good makes all evil, namely the Wicked Witch of the West, simply melt into nothingness. But what if the evil wasn’t rooted in Glinda at all? If the perspective is reversed, Glinda holds the power to control evil and Elphaba has the power to obstruct it. This role reversal is established in Winnie Holzman’s script of the musical “Wicked”, which reexamines the relationship between the two witches and forces the audience to view them through a different lens.

“Bess Johnson, will you be my friend”? (Abundance, I.1) This endearing comment made by Macon Hill in “Abundance” by Beth Henley gives the illusion that she will be a careful, enthusiastic, and equal partner in her new friendship. Macon Hill is introduced as a gracious woman, eager to provide for others. She is seen as an almost Christ-like figure as she saves her friends from financial and emotion derailment on multiple occasions. But rooted in that façade of good intentions is the desire to control and manipulate Bess to fit under her perfect image. Bess does not perceive Macon’s helpfulness as anything but pure. However she slowly comes to realize that Macon’s overeager behavior to provide for her is overcompensating for Bess’ failings as both as housewife and that Macon seeks full control over Bess’s life as a way of proving who own worth as a woman. Are Macon’s intensions rooted in immoral grounds?

“Wicked” reinvents the classic story of Glinda the Good and The Wicked Witch of the West from Frank L. Baum’s story The Wizard of Oz. The novel was written at the beginning of the twentieth century and adapted into a popular film in 1939. The Wizard of Oz, “tells of the thrill of adventure, the comfort of home, and the journey of self-discovery” (Berger 5). This fairy tale-like story follows young Dorothy Gale as she is swept away by tornado to the magical Land of Oz and encounters some very good friends and one very evil witch. The two witches represent the traditional images of good and evil with Glinda the Good showing Dorothy the importance of trust, kindness, and family while The Wicked Witch of the West tries to steal this away from her. This story fascinated many including author Gregory Maguire who was more concerned with the depiction of the two witches than the ingénue. In 1995, Maguire wrote Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West which, “[built] upon Baum’s classic tale and extending it backward in time…[telling] the story from [the wicked witch of the west’s] perspective” (Britannica: Maguire). His story reveals that Elphaba, the given name of the Wicked Witch, was “lonely and misunderstood, not evil” (Britannica: Maguire). In 2003 this book was adapted into a hit musical of the same name. This time a woman named Winnie Holzman took it upon her to write the text of these iconic witches. Based on the original words of Maguire, Holzman reinvents the witches once more. She strove to show the human element to the Wicked Witch and also dissuade the traditional view of Glinda being a character of purely good conscience.

“Abundance” is the seventh written work by Beth Henley. Written in 1990, Henley spent five years researching nineteenth century pioneer life in order to have enough material to write this play (Plunka 26). In its original production at South Coast Repertory in Costa Mesa, California, it was declared a “thoughtful and accomplished piece of writing” though it received little critical attention (Plunka 26). Abundance was not received well in its Off-Broadway run as critics claimed that it sent conflicting messages about female bonding and mythology surrounding the American Dream. “Abundance” was staged multiple times over the next five years and received better reviews with each new cast reinventing the characters.

The female relationships in “Wicked” and “Abundance” rely on a topdog and underdog to thrive. Glinda and Macon are both seen as the successful and powerful characters with the ability to save their counterparts from a desolate life but in truth they cause more destruction than production. Glinda’s sickeningly sweet persona is coated with a hidden layer of selfish intentions while Macon’s gracious image hides her desire for perfection and control. Glinda and Macon appear to be offering kindness and generosity to their friendships but in reality, their selfish objectives cause Elphaba and Bess to employ destructive habits in order to make their voices heard.

By the time she reaches Shiz University, Elphaba has given into the idea that her life will never be polished, pretty, or pink. Upon establishing a friendship with Glinda, she begins to believe that there is hope for a brighter future but her dreams are quickly crushed as the truth is revealed. Glinda is a popular beauty queen and as a result, she is accustomed to getting her way. She believes that she is capable of everything and even tries to lure Elphaba to join in this image. Glinda’s life resembles a flawless bubble which encompasses every aspect she finds worthy such as popularity, getting her way, and being fashionable. Elphaba has never believed she could be on the same level as her new friend. She tells Glinda she could never be popular but Glinda replies with, “Oh Elphie, you mustn't think that way anymore! Your whole life is going to change... and all because of me” (Wicked, I.9). Glinda feels she has the power to redefine Elphaba’s persona and exemplify her best traits including her magical powers. When Elphaba finds out that her talents could allow her to meet the Wizard of Oz, the glimmer of hope that she has desperately try to quench begins to bubble to the surface. That hope allows her, “tempted by the external. Wanting to be free of her defining difference, she begins to fantasize about how her efforts might be rewarded by the Wizard” (Women, Leadership, Kruse). But by placing her faith in Glinda, the disappointment is even greater when she faces the disturbing reality that the wizard encourages rather than prevents injustice. Although she grew up believing that she must make her own path in life without the help of others, Glinda’s self assurance and ability to see a perfect future clouds her better judgement for that moment. The anger towards injustice lies dormant while she is determined to believe that the Wizard truly could help her but it unleashes itself with greater passion than before. She feels betrayed by what she considers to be her one true friend and “lost all that is dear to her… her deviance costs her not only those she loves, but also her capacity to create the type of change she so desperately believes is necessary” (Women, Leadership, Kruse). Her rational thinking of the past is gone; she transforms into a manic witch. Although she does not have the image or respect of her peers before meeting Glinda, she still felt comfortable speaking out and was able to connect with those she was trying to save. Now she is literally an outcast, banned from entering the Land of Oz and unable to assist anyone without risking her own life and putting her cause at harm.
Macon believes she understands how best to live life and imposes her knowledge on Bess. Although she had little experience or knowledge of living as a wife in the Midwest, she takes it upon herself to show Bess the best way to live. When a desperate Bess approaches Macon and asks for help in leaving her husband, Macon encourages her to stay with him, as she feels Bess needs to adapt to the housewife ideal. She knows that Bess cannot leave without her and as a result, Bess becomes a prisoner of her own life. Macon is secure in her life as she is experiencing entrepreneurship but Bess is slowly losing the sense of who she is. She fails at being both a mother and a wife and cannot come to terms with her predicament. She takes the blame of a failed life upon herself. While, “[Macon] gains a stronger sense of herself [Bess] loses her sense of herself” (5 years, Andreach). Bess sees Macon’s quick success and cannot understand why her own life does not match her friend’s. She believes that Macon holds the answers and when she fails, she slowly begins to lose grip of reality. This is emphasized even stronger when Bess returns from her capture. Bess has learned a new lifestyle, one where she lived out her dream of being a wife and a mother, but Macon does not acknowledge her friend’s success. Bess is still seen as the same simple minded and easily manipulated young woman that she was previously. Macon “admonishes Bess to drop her attachment to her Native husband” though for the first time in her life, Bess finally feels a sense of purpose in the world (Fesmire 97). Macon does not understand what is best for her friend anymore and cannot understand why Bess does not automatically accept the domesticated lifestyle. Bess develops her self confidence and her role in the world but Macon continues to hold her back, eager to bring Bess back under her control. Macon goes as far as to “chain [Bess] to a stake to prevent her from running away to wean her from her savage ways" as though she still knows what is best for her friend (5 years, Andreach). But this effort pushes Bess to realize the power she could achieve over her friend and instead of accepting the help she resents it.

Glinda’s image as a peppy, perfect, and polished young woman immediately establishes her as a popular character with the ability to help those less fortunate. Her blessings extend to her looks, her charm, and her ability to influence others easily. Glinda, “quickly becomes a leader…in large part due to her feminine beauty and ability to connect with others”. (Women, Leadership, Kruse). Her image directly contrasts that of Elphaba whose outward appearance discredits any merit. But what Glinda does not recognize is that Elphaba has strengths of her own. Glinda’s declaration of her goodness and her image of being perfect overshadows Elphaba’s altruistic and selfless habits. Elphaba is more giving and willing to serve those less fortunate because she identifies with their struggle and wishes to free them, something she hopes for herself as well. Next to Galinda who eagerly announces herself as a savior, calling attention to the fact that she is willing to room with someone as outspoken and disfigured as Elphaba and calling Elphaba her “new project” (Wicked, I.9). She encourages the students of Shiz University to view her as altruistic and genuine when in reality, Elphaba notices the true flaws in the system and desires to seek justice. When the ladies both discover the corruption the Wizard of Oz tolerates, Elphaba immediately springs to action while Glinda focuses on the social aspect. She is concerned that this will reflect badly both on her and on Oz as a whole; she does not particularly care that allowing the injustice to continue to ruin many lives. By complying with the Wizard’s plan, Glinda is “socially constructed as “good” by the Wizard,… rewarded for not challenging the Wizard’s power” and sets the Ozians against Elphaba (Berger 87). She is seen as a brave young woman to have braved the evil Elphaba and is too focused on her enhanced image to bother revealing the truth. Elphaba is now an outcast, both due to her skewed image enforced by Glinda and by her already established disconcerting appearance.

Macon is viewed as a savior when in reality, her image is nothing more than an catalyst for vengeful thoughts. By encouraging the idea that Bess is incapable of providing for herself, Bess loses the sense of who she is. She truly has, “lost her identity to Macon” as Macon now strives to perfect her life as a housewife (5 years, Andreach). She does nothing to help Bess regain what she has lost yet she easily steals from Bess’s original ideals. Macon discovers that, “she has a practical and a sexual nature [while] Bess came to the West to experience love” (5 years, Andreach). Macon has the love of two men, a fruitful lifestyle, and Bess is forced to cling to her while standing back and watching her fantasy life unfold at the hands of another. Macon loses her sense of adventure but she takes from Bess the importance of being a strong provider for the family. She is seen as the pretty, capable, and successful wife while Bess is forgotten. Bess is not even viewed as a capable human being by her husband as he frequently says, “you’re so weak…you’re useless” (Abundance, I.7). Jack has no confidence in his wife and Macon easily complies with this mentality. But Macon’s attempts to keep Bess down backfire. Those long years of waiting for her moment to shine pays off when Bess is discovered by Elmore Crome. Suddenly her words are important and only her voice can be heard. Elmore is not interested in hearing about Bess’s relationship with Macon; he wants to hear how she survived on her own in the wild. Bess could have credited Macon as a source of willpower while she was gone but her anger and resentment has been harbored for two long. Bess takes pleasure in the fact that Macon was not her savior while she was in captivity and recalls nothing of her former life. Any moment before her capture was locked in unconscious memory, never to be drudged up again. Bess takes pleasure in recalling her adventures and instead of feeling guilt for ignoring the services Macon provided for her, she has a gleeful grin on her face. Bess is now in charge of her life with her own selfish desires and the wish to control the minds of those around her.

Glinda causes more harm than good to Elphaba’s already dysfunctional world. She believes that she is helping her become a more socially acceptable person when in reality, she is taking away the best aspects of Elphaba’s personality. In her attempts to bring Elphaba to a socially equal level, she achieves the exact opposite. It is said that, “social relationships are necessarily asymmentrical and are defined by an unequal distribution of material or social goods and resources” which is shown in her friendship with Elphaba as she remains on the higher plain despite efforts to bring Elphaba out of her isolated state (Women, Leadership, Kruse). She believes that she alone knows what is best and what will make Elphaba a better, happier person. The two women share a moment in their dorm room when, in an attempt to bond with her roommate, Glinda suggests they share secrets. But when Elphaba shares a personal fact about her life, Glinda discredits it. She does not think it is a worthy secret. Instead of showing her intimacy and compassion, Glinda reinforces that the world is a cruel place that lacks sincere understanding of psychologically impairing events. In addition, Glinda paints her a picture of a flawless, opaque world with no disturbance from the outside corrupted world. But through these efforts, Elphaba begins to lose sight of her reality. Glinda’s world is not affected by evil thoughts or evil acts—she believes and accepts that through a good outward appearance, anything is possible. The only harm comes from acting like evil exists. Elphaba wants to pretend everything will be perfect but when the reality of her situation sets in again, it forces her the other direction.

Macon’s attempts to help Bess’s quality of life backfire and Bess develop a cynical approach to their relationship. Originally Bess’s true goal in life was to be a good wife and mother but in Macon’s attempt to help Bess develop this, she adopted the image that Bess desired. Even as Macon realizes that Bess is unhappy and envies her success, she tries to manipulate Bess into thinking that her life actually is fine. Bess wants to leave; she knows that, “no matter how hard she tries, she cannot please Jack… she is ready to press further into the West, but Macon, who earlier promised to go…stalls” (5 years, Andreach). Macon discovers that she has the skills to be a successful housewife and businesswoman; she does not want to leave this behind. She thinks Bess simply needs someone to run her life for her and that running away will do no good. She is also not willing to leave and needs some way to keep Bess with her. Bess cannot please her husband, has no money, and fails at a housewife. She begs Macon to leave with her but Macon firmly says that, “she has household obligations to fulfill” (Plunka, 128). This strikes a cord in Bess as that should be her in that womanly position. Macon thinks that keeping them together will benefit her the most but Bess sees Macon’s success as a continual reminder of her own failures. Bess’s inadequacies as a wife are emphasized as Macon develops a relationship with Jack. While she claims to be the only person to help Bess in this world, she betrays her by engaging in a sexual relationship with Bess’s husband. Macon believes she is clever in hiding the affair, hoping that by continuing to help Bess she will cover up the fact that she is engaging in an act of betrayal. But even this plan backfires. Upon Bess’ return, she, “reminds Macon that on the night the two couples celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary, her friend removed the combs from her hair before dancing but asked Jack and not her husband to hold them for her” (5 years, Andreach). Bess knew that Macon had a secret plan for her generosity. Her need for control over Bess’ life and her uncontrollable sexual desire for Jack fueled her need to give Bess attention and assistance. Without Macon’s knowing, Bess discovers the affair and begins to resent her friend. On the night of their fourth anniversary, Bess chooses to run outside because she cannot face the betrayal occurring inside. Her outburst caused her capture. Bess never would have been captured by the Oglala’s if Macon had engaged in the affair with Jack. Every seemingly selfless act by Macon had the undertone of self serving potential.

It can be argued, however, that Glinda and Macon have truly good intentions and circumstances led to the demise of their relationships. Glinda recognizes Elphaba’s struggle to adapt to the social world and offers her guidance to a more beneficial life. Elphaba is, “emboldened by her friendship with the popular Glinda, [and] begins to participate in a world previously inaccessible to her” (Women, Leadership, Kruse). Glinda offers to give her a makeover and invites her to the dance at which all of the popular students will be in attendance. Elphaba herself is resistant and says she, “has to go” as soon as Glinda makes an attempt to beautify her (Wicked, I.9). Glinda even accompanies Elphaba to visit the Wizard as she knows how important this is to her friend. When they discover the Wizard’s corruption, Glinda is trying to ease Elphaba’s pain by asking her to “stay calm” and leave with her (Wicked, I.17). She knows Elphaba will be ostracized permanently if she rebels against the Wizard and does what she can to keep Elphaba integrated into normal society. Similarly, Macon recognizes Bess’s natural deficiencies and naturally feels a desire to aid her. Both women want a prosperous life and Macon has the ability to help Bess reach her goal. Even in their first meeting Macon is introduced as an, “open, giving woman, shares her food with the hungry Bess” when she realizes the desperate situation (5 years, Andreach). She gives her money and food when she has none and provides emotional support in areas Jack cannot fulfill. In a way she becomes more of a partner to Bess than her own husband simply because she cares more for Bess’s well being than Jack. Bess’s disappearance frightens her as she exclaims loudly, “Bess. Bess!” when she discovers Bess is gone which fuels her determination to integrate back into normal society upon her return (Abundance, I.11). She knows that Bess is even less capable of handling her finances and emotions after spending years in captivity and wants to give her a chance of a normal life once again. Nevertheless, the intentions of these two women are tainted with the ability to upset Elphaba and Bess’s lives in ways that cause permanent damage.
Glinda encourages the evil to continue in the land of Oz even though she is aware of the truth. She has forced her best friend into exhile because she is not strong enough to stand up against authority or ruin her flawless image. She enjoys the influence she has over others and by turning her back on Elphaba, her popularity increased. She fears ostracism and “when faced with the chance and choice to resist, she backs down, unwilling to embrace the unknown and fearing the personal cost of difference” (Women, Leadership, Kruse). She encourages the classification of Elphaba as a witch. Although she knows Elphaba would only use her powers for good, she allows a negative connotation of the word to develop among the Ozians. She fails to acknowledge the reality, that “witches are creative, magical people who have power to change the world around them” (Women, Leadership, Kruse). As a public figure in Oz, she paints the picture that Elphaba is harmful and dangerous with magical powers to match her determination to cause evil and unrest in Oz. Glinda does not allow the truth to unfold even though she is the only person who can bring forth real change. Her power and prominence in the community could change the lives of those underprivileged and mistreated members but instead, she stands back while Elphaba is declared a menace to society. Elphaba is “demonized”, unable to escape this image due to alinda’s betrayal (Women, Leadership, Kruse). By pretending everything in the Land of Oz is perfect, she makes the later reality even more disturbing and unsettling for the people of Oz. They cannot accept that their perfect, popular savior was associated with anyone evil and continue to view Elphaba as a threat to society. Elphaba is, “subsequently demonised and in the end recognises her inability to lead in the future”, knowing that the citizens of Oz will always believe her to be a Wicked Witch (Women, Leadership, Kruse). Glinda’s recognizes her power to change the land of Oz for good much too late and Elphaba is forced to fake her own death so that the Ozians will continue to believe in a happy perfect world. Glinda is seen as a hero but in reality, Elphaba is the true hero and martyr in this situation. She had the courage to stand up for justice even at the risk of losing the precious little human connection she had in her life.

Macon is the source of unrest in Bess’ life. The constant pressure for Bess to conform to Macon’s ideals finally leads to Bess’s demise. Bess is no longer the submissive, patient, dutiful wife that she strove to be in the beginning of her marriage. Rather she is vengeful, bitter, and selfish in her view of life. Instead of seeing herself as a person who needs to be controlled and domesticated, she see Macon as a, “civilized savage…attempting to have love and power simultaneously” (Plunka 131). Macon pushed Bess to destroy her fantasy world and live in reality. But that reality came with a price. Once she realizes Macon’s control over her life is the source of her happiness, revenge is the only object of Bess’s affection. In Macon’s desperate state, she refuses aid her though she knows Macon came to her aid countless times before. She believes Macon is a traitor, undeserving of financial or emotional support. Macon stole her identity and she will steals hers right back. She speaks of wild adventures and of her bravery, quoting Macon directly as to make her even angrier .Their friendship is so damaged that Bess cannot even recognize the relationship they once had. In a fit of passion Bess declares to Macon, “take this knife, take this ink. Cut open your face. I’ll let you be me” knowing that she has finally succeeded in conquering her friendship (Abundance, II.6). Their relationship has come full circle; Bess recognizes that Macon finally envies her instead of the opposite. But Bess is now alone in the world. Macon’s betrayal and lack of understanding causes their friendship to be irreparably damaged. Bess has grown beyond the true meaning of friendship. She does not know how to help those in need anymore; rather she turns to her own selfish needs first.

Without even realizing it, Glinda and Macon are conquered by their relationships. They desperately sought control over their friends and as a result they destroyed the pure nature of the relationships. Elphaba and Bess are forever changed by these kinships. Their kind spirits took a backseat to the greater need of full control over their lives. No longer do these women have clear consciences. They will forever be controlled by impure motives and thoughts, tainted by the repression imposed on them by the outside world. Their original good intentions will hide behind layers of revenge, resentment, and reality.
















Works Cited
Andreach, Robert J. "The missing five years and subjectivity in Beth Henley's 'Abundance'." Southern Quarterly 39.3 (2001): 141+. Academic OneFile. Web
Berger, Alissa. From the ‘Wizard of Oz’ to ‘Wicked’: Trajectory of American Myth. Diss. Ohio: Bowling Green State University, 2009.
Fesmire, Julia A., ed. Beth Henley: A Casebook. New York: Routledge, 2002.
Henley, Beth. Abundance. New York: Dramatists Play Service, 1991.
"Gregory Maguire." Encyclopædia Britannica. Encyclopædia Britannica Online. Encyclopædia Britannica, 2011. Web. 18 May. 2011. .
Holzman, Winnie. Wicked. 2003. http://wickedlywicked.blogspot.com/2009/01/wickedscript.html
Kruse, Sharon D. and Prettyman, Sandra Spickard (2008) 'Women, leadership, and power revisiting the Wicked Witch of the West', Gender and Education, 20:5, 451 - 464
Perlich, John, Whitt, David, ed. Millennial Mythmaking: Essays on the Power of Science Fiction and Fantasy Literature, Films, and Games. North Caroline: McFarland & Company, Inc., 2010.
Plunka, Gene A. The Plays of Beth Henley: A Critical Study. North Carolina: McFarland & Company, Inc. , 2005.
"The Wizard of Oz." Encyclopædia Britannica. Encyclopædia Britannica Online. Encyclopædia Britannica, 2011. Web. 18 May. 2011. .

Things I've Learned

Things it has taken me until almost my senior year to realize:


-Outlines are a very powerful tool

-Your mind has more control than your body

-If you crawl into your bed to do homework, you will want to fall asleep

-Time really does go faster as you get older.

-The moments you were truly happy will stick with you

-Don't say you can't accomplish something. You just might be surprised.

-Motivation doesn't always last. Do as much as you can while the subject is still interesting to you and you will probably finish the assignment early

-You can adapt to nearly any situation if you have a positive attitude

-The world is really small. Be careful what you say to whom.

-Appreciate the security in your routines

-Kids grow up whether we like it or not. But it's a wonderful gift to watch them grow up.

-Take pride in the small successes.

-You won't always be happy. But that's okay. You'll appreciate the good times more.

-Don't regret. You'll know when the decisions are right.

-I feel like the luckiest girl on earth and am so thankful for my schools, my home, my friends, my family, and my teachers.

The Finals Prep Checklist

It's that time of year. Time to list out what has yet to be completed and what I have miraculously already done...


Senior Project Proposal: DONE
Internship Proposal: SUBMITTED
Internship Letter: Sending in the morning
Lighting Lab Final Project: Tomorrow at 4:30
Lighting for the Stage Final: Has yet to be begun
Seminar Paper: Ditto
Dance in Performance: Ditto again
Women Playwrights Research Paper: Making good progress!

The Future

School is ending in 3 weeks.

I can remember sitting in my room at this time last year, completely exhilarated about the amount of theatre I was doing for the next month and incredibly sad about the people who would soon be leaving. I remember it like it was yesterday.

But that was a year ago.

A year from now I will be preparing for my graduation. And who knows what the future holds for me.

Theatre is an unpredictable life. You follow the work. And your life is the work. There is virtually no distinction between your profession and your personal life. You pour your heart and soul into it, get ripped to shreds, endure some painful moments and trying times for those few moments of absolute bliss. And that's what you live for. Those moments? They're worth it. They are why you give up your social life, your relationships, your family...all of that is put off until the moment when theatre tells you it's okay to let go.

Part of me loves the excitement, the thrill, the endless possibility. I am giddy with excitement when companies post their next season of shows, questioning whether I could possible fit a show into my already busy schedule. I love beginning a new project. I love the moments of chaos when I feel completely in control at the exact same time. I love the rush of opening night. I love standing ovations. I love that my work could take me anywhere, that my future is limitless at this point. That's the joy of being a 20-something--you have so much to learn, so much potential to fulfill, so many opportunities to seize

And then the rational side of me fears for my future. I've already settled into some pretty solid habits and routines. I'm only 20 and I've already developed a crazy work schedule, aversion to social life, relationship phobia due to lack of time, and some god awful eating and sleeping habits. Yet I justify them because I am "successful". Healthy right? But I'm also fiercely devoted to my family and friends. My number one priority to be able to be there for them when they need a laugh, a hug, or an encouraging word. And as we grow older, special moments will come up more frequently. No longer will we just need to hang out and talk, we will be planning weddings, lifestyles, and families. And I want to be there for all of that with them. Part of me wishes I could see the future so I could put all of these monumental events on my permanent conflicts calendar, knowing I can't be doing a show at that time so that I can fulfill my other duties--nothing is greater than the gift of being a friend.

I often say that theatre and life do not get along. And what I mean by this is that life happens whether we plan for it or not. People die, people get sick, people have crises...that's all part of life. Theatre schedules are not very accommodating of this. Regardless of what personal crisis you are dealing with, you must still show up to your 6:00 call ready to go whether you want to or not. It's not like a regular job where you can take a week off and someone will cover for you. You play a significant role, no matter how big or small you think your part may be.

It's ironic that I say theatre and life don't get along because theatre is life. Theatre reflects our deepest desires and our most painful thoughts. It constantly throws all of that emotion, angst, and joy around to hopefully inflect some sort of reaction. That pain we're feeling? You can find it in a Broadway show

I can't predict the future. It's April 26, 2011. This is going to be a year of change and uncertainty. The rest of my life is going to be a roller coast of change and uncertainty. There will be painful moments, some of struggle, some of heartache, and some moments when i will simply question if the life I have chosen is worth it.

And then I think back on the moments when I was happiest. On those unpredictable moments when everything in the world just came together.

And I remember why I do what I do.

10 Unusual Facts About Me

Because I'm such an odd individual...

1. I primarily eat at night. It's not uncommon for me to eat all 3 meals after 9 pm

2. My average bedtime is 2 am

3. The last thing I do before bed is shower

4. If I really want something, I shop on ebay and amazon

5. My room has to be clean before going to bed

6. If I'm in my room, I am wearing sweatpants and a t shirt. If I'm out, I wear real clothes. Very rarely is this switched

7. It doesn't matter what time I go to bed or what time I have to wake up--I'm going to hate life when the alarm goes off

8. I have to be early to absolutely everything

9. I have to have music playing when I drive.

10. I rarely watch TV shows when they are aired--I watch everything online

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I feel like I'm somewhere over the rainbow

Angels Among Us is closed. Dance show prep began today. And I'm home.

As of now, it doesn't get any better than this

:)

Video

For those of you not on facebook...

here is a link to the video I made for Angels Among Us

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3NkNGFlqyg


We have finally closed that beast of a show. I learned more than I ever expected but have never been more relieved for a show to close. Going straight from the tour of Angels in America to this show with spring break so late has been a huge challenge but we survived!

What I Love

~My Family

~My cat

~Monterey

~Catalina

~Hugs

~Smiles

~Random Acts of Kindness

~St. Mary's

~Opening nights

~Curtain calls

~Lighting design

~Videography

~Stage management

~Children

~My sister

~My mentor

~The best friends in the world

~Late night driving

~Theatre people

~Stage Crew

~Our master carpenter and master electrician

~Good hair days

~Doing my best

~Good grades

~Meaningful conversations

~Weekly meetings with my mentor

~Dance show weeks

~Dance

~Singing

~Camp

~Laughing

~Inside jokes

~Those special moments you know you will remember forever

Power of Prayer

Have you ever had someone incredibly important in your life but lack the words to express why they mean so much? There are so many wonderful people in my life but I cannot truly explain why some mean so much. Their impact can be fleeting but memorable. Some just stick with you, forever ingrained as associated with a special memory.

My first two years at Catalina, our activities coordinator was an important influence on me. She was a theatre major from New York, Catalina alum, and someone I aspired to be like. Although our interactions were brief, I appreciated every moment we shared and how much I learned from her. She was a significant contribution to my love of the theatre world and I was very sad when she and her family (also wonderful people, though I did not know them well) moved back to New York after my sophomore year. However, the world of facebook has given me the blessing of keeping in contact with her.

I recently heard that she and her family are going through an extremely difficult time. For such wonderful people, it's heartbreaking to know that they must experience this. It makes you wonder why the most devastating events happen to people like them. All I can offer now is prayer and healing thoughts, hoping the God has it in his grand plan to make them even stronger and happier than they were previously.

Let's say some prayers, in hopes that all that is right in the world will once again come back into effect

Find the Moments

If you've heard from me at any time in the past 3 weeks, you have a pretty good idea of how ridiculous my life is. It's been a very difficult road to get this show up and running and top it off with a demanding course load and personal struggles, you end up with a mess. When you feel the burden of life crashing down with no end in sight, it's hard to find the good. I admit that I've had a more negative view of my life recently. I mix it up with the positive but my generally cheery nature has definite dipped downhill.

This is why it's important to find the good. When everything seems to go wrong, you need to find that little something that sparkles. Good talks with friends, inside jokes, laughter, getting a good grade, listening to a good song, going out to dinner, and many many hugs. That's what's going to get you through until you truly find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hello April

I owe all of you MAJOR updates. I'll try to get better about updating this.

1. No longer sick! Still have a cough but that's pretty typical for me.

2. We started tech on Monday. Yikes. This show just may kill me. Picture this: 2 wagons with 7 foot tall prosceniums, a 12 feet tall tower, a staircase, 4 sets of stairs, random set pieces, props, and costumes. Add in no masking, no backstage space, potentially iffy weather, and a company of 25 and you've got our show. It's literally like touring. We have to set up and take down the entire set before and after every rehearsal and performance. It's a little bit of a pain. We open on Tuesday, wish us luck...

3. 2 weeks until break!!

4. And...that's about it. Just trying to survive on a day-to-day basis.

:)

Updates

I've been seriously slacking on my blog posts. I have good reasons. Well more like excuses. But they do exist.

The computer is on its last life. I can get it to cooperate for the most part but it is very finicky and not entirely reliable these days. I'm hoping it can hold on a little longer.

We start tech on Monday. That's a frightening thought.

I've been sick since Thursday. Today is the best I've felt since then but I still have a cough. Luckily the sore throat seems to have gone away.

Those are the big things. No idea when I'll be able to update next but for now, I am still alive and functioning!

On Hold

My photo blogs on hold for the moment. My computer decided to go haywire on Saturday morning and after over 12 hours of major computer surgery, a trip to the mac store, and my brilliant friend Kevin, my computer is back in working order. However I have no access to my photos until my parents send me my original disc for installing ilife '10. Once that's done I'll be back to posting.

Crazy, long, emotional, and exhausting weekend. Trying to survive until spring break. Upside? ONE MONTH UNTIL BREAK!!


:)

Day 4

Day 04 - A picture of your night




A supremely awful picture but this is a picture from Fast Brass, a brilliant dance from the dance show I stage managed last spring and the most challenging for me to call. This dance meant a lot to me because it was so difficult to call but so rewarding in the end. I was watching the DVD of it tonight, analyzing every cue of course. There are mistakes but in general a very successful night. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have stage managed it and happy I get to watch the DVD of it to relive the memories.

Day 3

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show





My favorite show is Medium, which sadly was canceled about a month ago. Very random ending too, no sense of finality.

I love this show was various reasons. Not only do I love crime solving shows, I'm really drawn to this cast of characters. Very strong female lead, supportive, devoted, intelligent husband, and 3 girls. In summary...that's what I want my life to be.

Minus the talking to dead people part.

Day 2

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest



This is my dad and me before Father-Daughter Weekend Senior year, the highlight of the school year for me.

My dad has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. I've had many friends come and go since I was little but he's been there from the beginning. Our relationship has never wavered, not even during my teenage years. He's my number one fan and there for me whenever I need him.

30 Day Photo Challenge

Since I lack ideas for blogs these days, I will join the mass amounts of people doing this and partake in the "30 Day Photo Challenge". To be put on hold when I have a random moment of brilliance

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts




1. I am missing two bottom teeth. They had to be pulled because they had no roots and would have remained baby teeth

2. I want a white kitten. I think I want to name her Nessa Rose because I love that character in Wicked for no particular reason.

3. My first daughter will be named Addison Ellis.

4. I been told both that I look young for my age and that I appear older. Never am I told that I look 20. By appearance, I look younger. But when I'm in a management setting, it appears that I am older.

5. I sleep with a stuffed cat and 2 blankets every night

6. I despised day camp as a kid

7. I love to read but I have difficulty with reading comprehension

8. My favorite show at Catalina was Once on this Island. My favorite memories came from Peter Pan and Angels in America. My dream show to work on would be Jersey Boys.

9. Shannon the stage manager is very different from Shannon the friend

10. No matter what, my friends and family come first. I am always available via cell if something comes up.

I am a Unit

I don't walk through life alone. All of my success, my accomplishments, my goals...these were done in conjunction with the wonderful people in my life.

We pride ourselves on independence and individualism. That taking care of ourselves is the ultimate goal. And I love my independence. I very much want to be in control of my own life and don't like relying on anyone or anything to dictate me life.

But this doesn't mean I do it alone. Everywhere I go I am part of a cohesive unit and I love it.

In my family, my partner in crime is my daddy. He supports me and educates me and is there every time I need him. I am also a lot like my mom. We are so similar that we often fight due to these similarities. But she understands me better than most people. As my brother, Tanner is great and ridiculous and we get along much better than we would like to admit. He'll never say it but he actually enjoys how much we fight and annoy each other. As a Catalina girl I am one of many amazing and talented graduates of this amazing school. I am incredibly blessed to have attended this school and to be an employee of the camp. There is an instant connection you feel when you meet another Catalina girl and it's very special. Danielle and I form a team as stage managers. We complement each other's strengths and weaknesses and together we form one awesome stage management team. We are rarely apart. Even outside the theatre, Danielle Kathleen and I are a team. We just work so well as a group of friends that some days it's questionable where one person ends and the other begins. I find myself relating to different but lovely qualities in each of them and I love it. That's how you know how lucky we are; we just blend together seamlessly. And Linda and I form a team that cannot be defined but is incredibly special. It's a well know fact that when something needs to get done, I'm Linda's girl. When I have questions, about anything, I know I can come to her. And when she needs something done in the theatre, she know she can call me and I won't complain, argue, or question the request. I'm her assistant, mentee, and student combined into one crazy package. And it's awesome.

All of this is to say that we don't walk alone. We don't achieve our dreams without support. I know that I wouldn't be where I am today without the smiles, hugs, encouraging thoughts of those listed above and so many more.

I truly believe in the quote "I know I'm who I am today because I knew you". Every person I come into contact with has changed my life for the better and I cannot thank you enough for that. There are far too many wonderful people in my life to name and thank them all but, "because I knew you, I have been changed for good".

Time to Say Goodbye

Dear Angels,

This process brought me more than I ever though it could. It's hard to believe I almost walked away from this opportunity but fate led me to this project and I never looked back.

From day one, I knew this was going to be special. There are no other words to use besides that...special. As a company we bonded. We were introduced to four new friends and reaffirmed relationships with 8 others. We walked together...nothing could separate us. We had our challenges, we had our difficult moments but we were strong together. As soon as I heard "end of the world" play while Prior and Louis danced, I knew this wasn't going to be just another show you could run and run into the ground and get bored. Every night was a challenge.

What a lucky team we were blessed with. Reid, Michael, Linda, Debbie, Matthew, Ted, BJ, Robert...I couldn't imagine a more dynamic group to support us artistically. Their ideas resonated with us and they literally helped us fly. They were there every step of the way.

Having my best friend as my co-stage manager was a unique blessing in itself. Working with someone who knows you so well (and vice versa) makes the job almost seamless. Together, we form one dynamite unit. And that's something that can never be replicated.

Having the opportunities we did in attending the ALRP benefit, meeting Tony Kushner, and meeting Lori Holt...those are unique to us and our show. We are so fortunate for being able to do that as a company.

The first time our Angel flew...it was magical. She was glowing. Between the powerful sound cues and dynamic lighting, we couldn't lose with that moment. Everyone's heart raced as we waited for the wall to fall and soared as soon as she spoke her lines.

Performing for the SMC community with standing ovations every night was incredible. You never know how incredible your show is until you get that opening night audience responding with such open arms. We were on top of the world; we thought nothing could top it.

ACTF chose us to perform in Region 7. Suddenly, we had a whole new adventure to conquer. We were nervous, we were excited..and we were scared. Would we be able to pull it off? It had its challenges. Our beautiful Angel broke her foot. We had some crew changes. And we had to get the show back into our bodies. It took some adjustment and some frustration but we got there...we came back bigger and better than before.

Humboldt...I will never forget Humboldt. All of us together, hanging out all the time. Teching, performing, and striking all within 18 hours--who ever thought we could pull it off? Everyone was amazing and just moved as a cohesive unit.

Once again, when our Angel flew...we couldn't control our emotions. The audience was on its feet as soon as that wall hit the ground and we were sobbing, knowing this feeling was the highlight of our career at the moment. We were so incredibly proud of what we had just accomplished.

So now, here I am to say goodbye. And thank you. Never in my 6 year career as a theatre technician have I felt such an emotional connection to a play or to a company. It makes the goodbye that much harder to say but I know these memories will never be far away. I am incredibly grateful for everything I have learned, everything I was taught, everything I experienced, and everyone I was with. My life is forever changed and I'm so glad for it.

Vegetarianism

Yep, you heard me correctly. Me, attempting vegetarianism? Who ever would have thought this was possible?

Many of you know that Anna works for Peta. Educating people about the effects of eating meat is one of the biggest components of her job and, out of respect for her, I said I would become an "conscious meat eater".

What does this mean? Simply put, I am more aware of the meat products I consume on a daily or weekly basis and try to avoid them when I can. It doesn't mean I'm completely going vegetarian but I am definitely more aware of how much meat is in our foods and it has brought me some interesting insight.

I've always respected vegetarians, knowing how difficult it must be to not only find foods without meat but to be around those who don't always respect their philosophy. It really takes conscious decision making and exploration of everything you want to consume, especially if you are not used to it. Finding meatless items wasn't necessary difficult for me; it was resisting the temptation to choose those with meat. This isn't a problem faced by most vegetarians since they actually don't want to eat meat but it was definitely interesting for me to experience.

I will continue to be mindful of what I'm eating and why. I feel that this is important and while I won't convert to strictly vegetarianism, I will be choosing meatless items more often. Besides helping the environment, food will often be cheaper and not as many calories will be consumed! Everyone wins

Grad School.

You know what's ridiculously terrifying? Grad school

Grad school isn't a given. I'm not saying that everyone is guaranteed to get into an undergraduate program but the general idea is "well, I'll get in somewhere even if it isn't my first choice". Grad school also requires a definite choice. You don't have to do it. College..in this day and age, it's basically assumed you will take some kind of college course and get a degree. Whether is be associates or bachelors, most will go for it.

Graduate school is different. There is no guarantee you'll get in somewhere. And no one is making you do it. Not society, not your parents, not your friends. Actually definitely not your parents since all they want you to do is a get a job to start paying off the undergrad loans. Sure they're excited for you and proud of your accomplishments and know it will benefit you in the long run but right now, all they see if "oh my gosh what if she fails". Which you probably won't. But you might.

You apply to a few programs, not as many as undergrad most likely. And you are looking for something different this time around. You probably put in a lot more money when applying this time around. Or at least it seems like more because you're the one paying the testing and application fees. And paying for all those visits. And for what? The completely daunting thought always exists. What if you don't get in? Or, and this might be even more difficult, what if you don't get into your top choice? Do you settle for second best or do you wait a year? If you don't get in at all, the obvious choice is to get a job. But if your goal was to go to grad school right away to avoid the appeal of a steady income once you apply to grad school...you might be on a completely different path now.

Scary thoughts.

Apologies

For those of you who have been trying to get into contact with me...I apologize. Coming back from ACTF hit me harder than I expected and I'm still attempting to get my life back together. Between school and theatre, I've barely had a moment to organize my thoughts let alone find my system for dealing with everything this semester.
Just so you know what I've been up to...

-Rehearsals for Angels Among Us are in full swing
-I'm in 5 classes. All of which demand a lot of my time.
-I'm studying for the GRE
-I'm trying to find an internship. Need to have one locked down by April 25. No pressure or anything...
-I'm working on proposing my senior project
-I'm putting together a proposal for the class I'm trying to teach at summer camp this year
-Still have my jobs. Getting used to a new schedule is an adjustment.

And really, I'm just trying to get by. This will be one of the longest period of time I haven't gone home (February 2-April 15) and I do wish I had the opportunity to refresh myself but it will be worth it once I reach spring break. Just gotta survive until then.

So please bear with me and I promise, one of these days I will pull myself together

Perfect

Idols. Heroes. Mentors. We all have them. They come in all forms. They might be our parents, our older cousins, our counselors, our siblings, a celebrity, or, if you're lucky like me, your mentor. There is no particular formula which designates who is an inspiration to whom but we have all experienced the intense adoration for those who lead us.

We think they are perfect. That's why we love them so much. They show us how to live. They hold ideologies and morals that resonate with us and we think their word is law. They are not necessary perfect but they are the closest representation to a perfect version of ourselves and we aspire to be like them. Even in their faults, they are wonderful. They teach us how to handle ourselves. And we couldn't be more grateful.

But something we forget is that they are human. And their human side actually binds us even closer to them. When we spend time with our idols outside of our regular setting, such as school or work, and experience actual reality with them...that's when we realize just how much they mean to us. They seem perfect before. But are vulnerable. They are really just like us. They have idols just like we do and they are flattered we think so highly of them. They want us to see them as flawless human beings but their flaws are what connect us. Sharing a private moment or seeing them while they are down...it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. That they allow us to see the other side of them shows their deep trust in our affection and care. And that is one of the most beautiful blessings you can be awarded.

Recap

I'm sure all of you (and by all of you I mean the 4 of you who read this) are wondering how ACTF went.

Simply put...I'm incredibly grateful for the experience.

Hard to believe but two weeks ago, we were in tech for our remount on campus. Our two performances at SMC went well. On Saturday the 12th, we were in the theatre until 1 am loading up the truck in preparation for touring. We then left the next morning at 10 am for Humboldt! The bus ride was uneventful for the most part. I actually enjoyed myself surprisingly enough and we made it up in less than 7 hours.
Arriving at the motel was a whole different experience. The Comfort Inn has some crazy issues but that just made our experience that much more interesting. I roomed with Danielle and Ashley, who were generous to give me the back bedroom. We had a group dinner at round table that night, an adventure at the Dollar Tree (yep, that's what we do for fun), some drama, and finally bed around 1 am.
We were up by 5:30, on the bus at 6:30, and at the theatre unloading our set by 7:00. The whole day was pretty much a blur but we have NEVER experienced an audience like that. When that wall hit the ground I was sobbing, knowing we would never have a performance like that one again. The audience absolutely loved us and we performed better than we had ever before. But no time for celebrating, just enough for a few tears of joy and hugs and we were off to strike. We finished with 7 minutes to spare, which ultimately ended up winning an award for best load in and out. Exhausted but exhilarated, we went back to the motel. I ended up walking 2 miles to a diner at 2:00 with some of the cast once we got back, even though we were pretty much dead. Oh and did I mention that was the beginning of the consistent 5 day downpour?
Tuesday we were pretty much in a fog. Actors did their acting competition, SERA had its reading, I did the first part of my SM competition, and we saw a show that night. Lots and lots of rain.
Wednesday was a day of relaxation for most. But it did start hailing. Saw another show that night.
Thursday I finished my competition and we headed home! The trip home was even more interesting considering it was snowing for at least an hour. So awesome.

Overall picture: It was wonderful. A lot went wrong but a lot went right, for me at least. I got to spend time with friends. I got out of school which was nice. And I spent a lot of really great time with my mentor. Besides the show itself, spending time with her (and Angela, our playwright for SERA and Linda's best friend) was the best part of the experience for me.

New Semester

The new semester is treating me well...better than usual actually. Over the past couple of weeks (and partly in Jan Term too), I've suddenly developed into the person I always wanted to be. Some of these reasons will appear superficial and against much of my philosophy but I mean them in the best way possible.

First, I've made it my goal to graduate magna cum laude next year. As of now, I can meet this goal. However it means I cannot let anything slip and I have all challenging classes both academically and artistically. Dance in Performance requires intense focus during dance performances which we attend, strong reading comprehension skills, willingness to talk in class, and ability to write clearly and eloquently about a challenging subject. Upside? Great class. Cathy is the professor. And Kathleen is in it. Women Playwright's means reading 2 plays and 2-4 pages of writing per week in addition to other papers and a major research project. This class has its challenges not only because of the writing intensive nature and necessity to read and comprehend multiple unfamiliar plays, it is taught by Rebecca. I had a lower division class of hers last semester and she marked me down due to my lack of consistent participation in class. Seminar has similar challenges--a lot of reading, a lot of writing, and a lot of needed class participation. My lighting design classes will challenge me artistically but are exactly what I need as a theatre professional. They will force me to become more familiar with lighting instruments, light plots, and to have confidence in myself as an artist. Plus they are taught by Michael and Linda--doesn't get any better than that!

We've only been in class for less than a week but I'm already speaking out more, doing homework more completely, and feeling more focused. This could just be the excitement of the first week but I'm glad that I've felt the urge to push myself harder.

Part of my confidence comes from a recent change in appearance. If you know me, you know my hair is both my best friend and my worst enemy. In simple terms, this means I love it when I'm dressing up because I have time to make it look nice and dread in on a daily basis because it is nearly impossible to tame it down to something simple yet pretty without taking too much time. I recently have found a new hair regimen to complete both before bed (when my hair is wet from the shower) and when I get ready in the morning. The frizzy mess is gone! I can manipulate my hair into a style that neither looks too formal nor too casual. This has made my confidence and over all happiness increase more than I would freely like to admit. In addition, my style has suddenly made a complete turn around. For someone like me, this doesn't mean all that much but I'll admit, I feel pretty good. I never understood how style could be easily integrated into a person's daily life without too much effort but somehow I've done it. Nothing is too excessive, it's just enough to put a little extra spring in my step.

All of these combined have made me a very happy girl. I feel like this is just one part of me that was dying to grow up and it finally has. Took it long enough! But really, I'm so much more satisfied with just about everything in my life. It makes the ridiculous moments just a little bit easier to handle. I never understood what impact fashion could have on your life but it makes me feel more like an adult than a adult trapped in a teenager's body. My carriage is different, my attitude is different...all excellent improvements as I move closer to the real world.

I Believe

I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that the energy you send out into the world is the energy that will be reciprocated ten times over. I have so many goals and dreams, some of which I can control and others of which are left up to the hands of fate, but all are important to me. I believe everything happens for a reason. So I send out little prayers into the universe. Every time that clock hits 11:11, every time we pass through a tunnel, every night before bed, I send out my daily prayers. But I don't believe in asking for specific requests. It wouldn't be fair to say "please let me win this competition next week". Because that's selfish and if it's meant to be, it will happen. I don't need to ask for it. Instead, I ask for everything to be okay, to work out how it should. I ask for God to watch over my family, my friends, and my life. I can't control everything but I can control how I react and how I handle situations. I believe that if I send out my prayers and thank God for every little miracle, this is the healthiest and most beneficial way to live my life. I may not always understand or be completely content with everything but I know it's there for a reason.

Be a Man

Alrighty, just found this video of me dancing to I'll Make a Man Out of You in my bedroom when I was 15 and Gaby is recording it

Back in my Life

I had the whole night off from rehearsal. Theoretically I would have spent the whole night working on homework so I could get ahead. I kind of did that. I did homework that's due Thursday. And was working on the homework due tomorrow but I began a conversation with a friend I hadn't talked to in so long and that immediately took precedent.

My friend Julia and I were very close my freshman year. She's one year older than me and I definitely looked to her for counsel and advice. Our friendship petered off my junior year due to unfortunate circumstances but I'm always grateful for an opportunity for us to talk again.

Our conversations are great. It's nice to catch up with someone you haven't talked to in awhile and who has so many shared experiences. We talked about school, about life, about Catalina. Our conversations are a direct reflection of how much each of us has grown in the past few years and I really enjoy that. I hope they continue.

Perfection

You may envy perfectionists. You may hate them. You may not understand stand. Or you might just be one like me.

Being a perfectionist is ridiculous. You hold yourself to an impossible standard and find yourself dissatisfied with just about every effort. However, when something goes right...it REALLY goes right. And you'll be on a natural high for days.

But really, it's annoying and inconvenient most of the time. You compare yourself to others. You always want to succeed. You always want to be the best. And when you receive any sort of criticism, even the constructive kind, it tears you down just a little bit more than you wish it would. And you do all this while trying to lead a normal functioning social life. Not exactly great material to work off of.

Marry Me?

Yep, I'm one of those people you probably despise. The girl who has had her wedding planned out for years.

However this is only partially true and not precisely for the reasons you are thinking. I've gradually started planning my wedding (along with my future) since I was about 14. I'm a futuristic thinking; I'm constantly thinking about what's coming next. As soon as I settle into something, my thoughts immediately go to the next project. So planning my wedding makes sense in the makeup of my brain.

I want to get married at Catalina. Not only did it change my life, it's a picturesque setting. And a small, intimate chapel. Still deciding between red and white or a turquoise and white theme for colors. That decision will come later. The dress I would like will have a fitted bodice, off the shoulder sleeves, and a long ball gown skirt. Strapless and/or really fitted dresses don't flatter me well. I want to walk down the aisle to Pachelbel's Canon in D, same as my parents. I want to enter my reception in a grand fashion. I've been inspired by videos of people dancing down the aisle to popular songs with their wedding parties. While I want a traditional wedding, I think it would be great to enter the reception with a bang. My first dance will be to, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's Wonderful World. My favorite song and my favorite version of it. My dance with my father will be to Father and Daughter by Paul Simon. And the rest...I just want people to have fun.

You may ask so who's the lucky guy? Haha. There is no guy. There won't be a guy for years. I have too many plans before that's going to happen. I'm too hard headed and driven to let anything stand in my way.

For now, I settle for planning other's weddings. Though they haven't actually been proposed to yet, I've begun planning. It's nice to be able to be able to support them and in a way, live vicariously through them. I've been there since the beginning of some of these relationships and it's wonderful to watch them grow.

To my wonderful friends who are in love--I'm so happy for you. You deserve it and I'll be there for anything you need. You know what they say, the best person to have plan your wedding is a stage manager :)

My Childhood

Tonight my family and I were talking about Tanner's and my childhood. Looking back, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

My parent originally didn't want children so they were older when I was born. We lived in a tiny little house on 1st Street in Monterey, the same house my mom and grandpa bought before she moved to Washington. We still own this house and rent it out. It's an absolutely adorable house, perfect for a small family. We had a happy little life there. From the beginning I was a picky child. My cousins frequently tell stories of my stubbornness and lack of affection for anyone besides my mom and grandma. Obviously this has changed. I was an angel for my mom, not so much for others. I had four older cousins to play with and I loved them.

We moved into our new house (in the same location where we are living now) a few months before Tanner was born. Nice backyard and kids in the neighborhood to play with. Tanner and I loved living there. Our childhood was great. Our parents taught us good values and supported us in all of our endeavors. Although neither of us found our talents until well into our adolescence, our parents were there to support me through the trial and error process of ballet, gymnastics, flute, piano, and roller skating and through Tanner's sports attempts. We didn't listen to popular music so we weren't considered very knowledgeable of that but we developed a deep appreciation for what my mom classifies as "happy music", meaning oldies music. We listened to a radio station every morning that played only music from the 40s, 50, and 60s. Until I was 10, I owned 2 CDs--a two disc Disney CD collection. We also listened to singers such as Raffi, Mary Lee Sunseri, Nancy Raven, and Tim Culbertson religiously.

We had rules and structure but it never felt too restricted. Dessert was a rarity and we had to ask permission. We weren't allowed to eat in our rooms but I definitely broke that rule. Bed was by 7:30 or 8:00 at the latest. We were always read to. Until I was 11, my daddy would read to me every night. We got through the Little House on the Prairie series, Narnia, some of Harry Potter, and countless others until I finally grew too old to pay attention. He always ended the night with a back massage, my favorite thing in the world. No TV on school nights, a rule that is still implemented in my household. So we got a whopping dose of world news every night since that's what my parents were watching. We grew up with Sunday Morning (a education news program) every Sunday morning and 60 Minutes every Sunday night. I also became very fond of my mom's tv shows such as Judging Amy, ER, and Ed. I wasn't allowed to watch Friends, Will and Grace, or Sex and the City until I was 13 so I missed that whole craze but I didn't care. Sunday nights after 60 minutes there was the Wonderful World of Disney, a program that showed a different family-friendly movie every Sunday night. We always watched the beginning and when we were allowed to watch the whole thing, it was a huge deal.

We were happy kids. My parents were my world. I wasn't a very outgoing girl, I was small for my age, and I clung to friends that were a bit bossy but I was smart. I was respectful in class and was often called "a teacher's dream". You can imagine what that meant for my social life. I didn't mind too much. Sure I wanted a large group of friends like the other girls did but I discovered over the years that I function much better with a small group of amazing friends.

We were educated in the arts. Reading became my passion early on. I was also encouraged (well...I don't know if I really had a choice) to play the flute starting in 4th grade and I continued until senior year in high school. I've take dance on and off since I was 7. Tanner began his music training when he was 10 playing the drums. He was also a good visual artist whereas I lacked any talent for painting, drawing, sculpting, or weaving. We were taken to plays and music concerts very frequently. I'm grateful my parents encouraged us to engage in so many activities. When people ask me what I do, I say I stage manage but can also add in that I'm a dancer, singer, and musician and have gymnastic and roller skating training. Having a diverse background is great.

Sports really weren't my thing. But I did gymnastics and roller skating, trying my hardest to excel. In the end I really lacked natural talent but I stuck with gymnastics for 6 years and skating for 4. I was proud of myself for doing my best.

My parents frequently say I didn't "peak" while I was in school and for that I'm actually happy. Minus the interesting experience of middle school, I was content most of the time. I had great friends. I discovered what I was good at and what needed work. And all of that has helped turn me into the individual I am now. I had something to aspire towards. I knew that there was more out there for me than popularity and boyfriends. I learned patience and hard work and how to turn a negative situation into something positive. Something you gotta suffer through a little bit of bad to find the true happiness in your life.