And I'm home! What an adventure first semester was...
New living situation. First real roommate. Anna leaving for the peace corps (and..because I never mentioned this before. Anna is actually home from the peace corps. Something happened while she away but she safe, happy, and home...more than I could ever ask for). Angels in America. Financial issues. Starting a new job. Grad school research. Taking 6 classes. Having less than an hour of free time a day. Spending literally all day away from my room becoming the norm. So much time with Danielle and Kathleen. New, amazing co-workers at the nursery. Great new neighbors at school. Lighting design. Plenty of frustration. Found my voice. Grew as a stage manager. Many decisions made. Amazing dance show memories. Shannon and Linda bonding time. Super cold weather. Super hot weather. Challenging classes that I think I will get As in. So many emotions and love.
And now I'm home :) Watched GLEE with mommy. Made dinner. Did laundry. Hugged my kitty. It's easy to forget how much the simple things mean to you when you're caught up in the stress of life. My mom also saved last week's CBS Sunday Morning which featured Matthew Morrison. Best. Mom. Ever.
Tomorrow=going to Catalina and making a birthday announcement for the first time in 2 and a half years. It's Martha's sister's first Catalina birthday so, per request of Martha, I am going with her. This also means crashing Mrs. Hunt's english class (they're discussing Antigone. Thank you theatre major/seminar/catalina english classes for teaching me everything I ever needed to know about that play. I feel like I will be a productive addition to that class). I cannot wait to see people I love and although the idea of making an announcement again doesn't thrill me...sometimes you gotta do crazy things for the people who mean the most to you!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
It's Official
I am officially entering myself into the Region VII American College Theatre Festival's stage management competition. This will consist of presenting my production book, an interview, and a stage management simulation of calling light and sound cues. I am so excited, especially about the simulation aspect considering that is my strongest attribute as a stage manager. If nothing else this will be a great experience and a potential opportunity for scholarships and connections to grad school. Plus giving me the opportunity to see who and what else is out there as well as learning how to present myself as a professional.
Can I just say I have the best friends ever? They know me SO well. Christmas gifts=a personalized clipboard from Danielle and a pearl bracelet and a tinkerbell blanket from Kathleen.
Music in Performance final in the morning then some more studying and PACKING! Can't wait to see my family, my cat, my friends, and Catalina
I've also decided to take a dance class during Jan Term. I've been out of dance for a year now and I'm going crazy. It will be an intermediate modern class so that will be a new challenge but an awesome way to start my day 3 times a week. SO EXCITED.
Good things are happening--I can feel it!
Can I just say I have the best friends ever? They know me SO well. Christmas gifts=a personalized clipboard from Danielle and a pearl bracelet and a tinkerbell blanket from Kathleen.
Music in Performance final in the morning then some more studying and PACKING! Can't wait to see my family, my cat, my friends, and Catalina
I've also decided to take a dance class during Jan Term. I've been out of dance for a year now and I'm going crazy. It will be an intermediate modern class so that will be a new challenge but an awesome way to start my day 3 times a week. SO EXCITED.
Good things are happening--I can feel it!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Dominated
Foundations final=DONE. Thank the lord that class is now over because it was literally the bane of my academic existence this semester. Note I said ACADEMIC because I had to categorize my life in separate areas in order to deal with the crazy overload. That final...oh wow...2 straight hours of writing. And thinking. Whoever said being a theatre major was easy has clearly never taken a theatre class. Because that is a very ignorant view. But I dominated that final. And then I went to work. Apparently I'm also kicking ass in that department because when I told the girls I wouldn't be seeing them until January, Natalie said she would miss me and gave me a hug. This may seem minor but when you only see kids once a week and that is literally just to drive them for 20 minutes, clearly you're doing something right if they enjoy seeing you.
Tuesday: Study sleep pack. Sit for 2 pointless hours in Reba's class. Dinner. Study sleep pack.
Wednesday: Music in Performance final. Study sleep pack.
Thursday; Psych final. LEAVE FOR HOME!!!
Well. You could say I'm excited :)
I'm topping off my night with some psych studying, room cleaning, and christmas list making while listening to amazing christmas songs and thinking about the wonders that await me at home including an 11 year old girl who is amazing and desperately needs some Catalina alum love.
Tuesday: Study sleep pack. Sit for 2 pointless hours in Reba's class. Dinner. Study sleep pack.
Wednesday: Music in Performance final. Study sleep pack.
Thursday; Psych final. LEAVE FOR HOME!!!
Well. You could say I'm excited :)
I'm topping off my night with some psych studying, room cleaning, and christmas list making while listening to amazing christmas songs and thinking about the wonders that await me at home including an 11 year old girl who is amazing and desperately needs some Catalina alum love.
Productivity at its Finest
Today was ridiculously busy and eventful. Where to begin? Hmm what does the song say...oh yeah...
Let's start at the very beginning
Work at 8 am. Small children=lots of smiles, hugs, drool, crying, diaper changes, and laughter. Pretty sure Danielle and I saw our future today. And for the most part...we'll be okay with it in about 10 years.
Lunch with Danielle. Realized, once again, that I miss her too much when we aren't doing shows together. Okay granted it's only been a week but that feels like forever when you're used to spending every night and part of the day with someone. And you wonder why I'm having issues moving away form SMC theatre.
Saw AIDA at the SF Opera House. Definitely a learning experience. Not sure opera is my thing but I'm glad I had the opportunity. Got to analyze all the tech elements. I'm such an awful audience member :)
Kicked butt studying for my Foundations of Theatre II final. If he sticks to the study guide material, I'll at LEAST get a B but hopefully an A. If he strays...then I wish myself luck.
Dinner at In N Out with Andrew Danielle and Kathleen
More studying, got back to my room at 10 pm after being away since 8 am
Other updates?
-Got some info about internships at the Lesher Center in Walnut Creek so I'm pursuing that. A little less worry knowing that it is possible to get an internship that is A, close to school, B, hires on a project-by-project basis, and C, potentially pays!
-Updating my webpage with more information and pictures. http://shannongaughf.wordpress.com.
-Finals studying under control for the moment
-It's my mentor's birthday. Enough said. Linda makes my world go round and we all know this.
And in other news
Something I didn't do yesterday but deserves to be acknowledged. 4 years ago I lost my uncle and godfather, Rob, to skin cancer. Although the sting of the loss has generally subsided, it's not something you completely get over. Rob was diagnosed with skin cancer in 2004. He fought his hardest and rarely let the disease get the best of him. Though divorced at the time, he was always surrounded by excellent friends and family who dearly loved him. His pride and joy were his kids. His son, Chris, was away at college but his daughter, Leah, was in high school at the time. In May 2006, it became clear that he could not adequately care for himself and for the first time in his life, my wonderfully stubborn uncle let someone else take care of him and he moved in with my family. The first day he moved in I was nervous...a little scared...a little unsure about what to do. I happened to have gotten an A on my first term paper that day and I told him about it...it was a small gesture but just a way to break the ice. 2006 was an important year. I turned 16. Rob got me a card that told me I would be a great driver, though he knew I was afraid to get my license. And he was there when I got home that day in November when I actually got my license. Tanner was going through a disgruntled phase and although he didn't talk much to us, he was forced to interact on a daily basis with Rob as the computer was in the guest room and that's where Rob lived. Tanner, as well as the rest of us, got the impact of having another strong male presence in the house. With 3 adults around it could be slightly intimidating for us as kids but I learned so much. I wish I could say that I "grew up" while he lived with us and I suddenly became a much stronger person but honestly, that was when I was at my weakest. Socially and academically I was struggling to find myself and establish a balance in my life. And at home I had the worries surrounding me every day. In June, my parents took Tanner to Arizona for a Diamondback's baseball game for his birthday leaving me at home alone with Rob. Even though I was 15, my parents felt comfortable with this situation and my aunt would frequently be checking in during the day and staying with us at night. But the first day my parents were gone, Rob suddenly took a turn for the worst. I have never been more grateful to see my aunt, who serendipitously showed up right when I felt too overwhelmed to handle the situation. Rob went into the hospital that night but, strong as ever, he fought and came out on top. As the months progressed his conditioned altered between pretty good and fairly poor. There were days I forgot he was sick and there were nights that I lay awake as his coughing in the next room haunted my dreams. I didn't talk about it much with my friends...I wasn't doing so well in that area and wasn't in any position to add more drama to a disparaging situation. As the semester came to a close, I began to prepare for finals and focus on my Christmas plans. Sunday December 3...I was scheduled to watch Dead Man Walking at school for a religion class assignment. I had recently gotten my license and that day my actual license arrived in the mail. My dad was letting me drive his car to school, a first for me. Before I left, I knew that Rob wasn't doing well but my parents attempted to shield me from the situation. As I sat in the Hills common room watching the movie, I had a sinking feeling something was desperately wrong. I returned home to discover that Rob had been admitted to the hospital again. As this was a recurring incident, none of us thought much of it. We had almost lost him so many times that this didn't seem to be any different. The next morning I woke up, put on my uniform, and went out to the kitchen as I did every morning. My dad was already there with Tanner. It was then that he told us, very matter of fact and very somberly, that Rob had passed away early that morning. I numbly went to school, trying to hold back tears at breakfast. When someone asked, I explained the reason for the emotions but didn't elaborate. By lunch I was ready to go home. I called my dad and as I sat on the front lawn, I put on the song Believe by Josh Groban as a method of coping. To this day it is the song that reminds me of my uncle and everything he represented. As I listen to it now, I am transported back 4 years...4 years ago when things were different...when we were all a little younger, a little more naive, a little less weathered. Time can't heal all but it does help. We will always miss him. He will no longer be the head of our table at family holidays and sharing in special conversations with the cousins but he's always with us. Uncle Rob, wherever you are...we love you so much and are so proud of how hard you fought. Our greatest comfort is that you are no longer in pain. We hope that wherever you are you will always look down on us and be proud of the work we are doing. Love forever and ever.
Let's start at the very beginning
Work at 8 am. Small children=lots of smiles, hugs, drool, crying, diaper changes, and laughter. Pretty sure Danielle and I saw our future today. And for the most part...we'll be okay with it in about 10 years.
Lunch with Danielle. Realized, once again, that I miss her too much when we aren't doing shows together. Okay granted it's only been a week but that feels like forever when you're used to spending every night and part of the day with someone. And you wonder why I'm having issues moving away form SMC theatre.
Saw AIDA at the SF Opera House. Definitely a learning experience. Not sure opera is my thing but I'm glad I had the opportunity. Got to analyze all the tech elements. I'm such an awful audience member :)
Kicked butt studying for my Foundations of Theatre II final. If he sticks to the study guide material, I'll at LEAST get a B but hopefully an A. If he strays...then I wish myself luck.
Dinner at In N Out with Andrew Danielle and Kathleen
More studying, got back to my room at 10 pm after being away since 8 am
Other updates?
-Got some info about internships at the Lesher Center in Walnut Creek so I'm pursuing that. A little less worry knowing that it is possible to get an internship that is A, close to school, B, hires on a project-by-project basis, and C, potentially pays!
-Updating my webpage with more information and pictures. http://shannongaughf.wordpress.com.
-Finals studying under control for the moment
-It's my mentor's birthday. Enough said. Linda makes my world go round and we all know this.
And in other news
Something I didn't do yesterday but deserves to be acknowledged. 4 years ago I lost my uncle and godfather, Rob, to skin cancer. Although the sting of the loss has generally subsided, it's not something you completely get over. Rob was diagnosed with skin cancer in 2004. He fought his hardest and rarely let the disease get the best of him. Though divorced at the time, he was always surrounded by excellent friends and family who dearly loved him. His pride and joy were his kids. His son, Chris, was away at college but his daughter, Leah, was in high school at the time. In May 2006, it became clear that he could not adequately care for himself and for the first time in his life, my wonderfully stubborn uncle let someone else take care of him and he moved in with my family. The first day he moved in I was nervous...a little scared...a little unsure about what to do. I happened to have gotten an A on my first term paper that day and I told him about it...it was a small gesture but just a way to break the ice. 2006 was an important year. I turned 16. Rob got me a card that told me I would be a great driver, though he knew I was afraid to get my license. And he was there when I got home that day in November when I actually got my license. Tanner was going through a disgruntled phase and although he didn't talk much to us, he was forced to interact on a daily basis with Rob as the computer was in the guest room and that's where Rob lived. Tanner, as well as the rest of us, got the impact of having another strong male presence in the house. With 3 adults around it could be slightly intimidating for us as kids but I learned so much. I wish I could say that I "grew up" while he lived with us and I suddenly became a much stronger person but honestly, that was when I was at my weakest. Socially and academically I was struggling to find myself and establish a balance in my life. And at home I had the worries surrounding me every day. In June, my parents took Tanner to Arizona for a Diamondback's baseball game for his birthday leaving me at home alone with Rob. Even though I was 15, my parents felt comfortable with this situation and my aunt would frequently be checking in during the day and staying with us at night. But the first day my parents were gone, Rob suddenly took a turn for the worst. I have never been more grateful to see my aunt, who serendipitously showed up right when I felt too overwhelmed to handle the situation. Rob went into the hospital that night but, strong as ever, he fought and came out on top. As the months progressed his conditioned altered between pretty good and fairly poor. There were days I forgot he was sick and there were nights that I lay awake as his coughing in the next room haunted my dreams. I didn't talk about it much with my friends...I wasn't doing so well in that area and wasn't in any position to add more drama to a disparaging situation. As the semester came to a close, I began to prepare for finals and focus on my Christmas plans. Sunday December 3...I was scheduled to watch Dead Man Walking at school for a religion class assignment. I had recently gotten my license and that day my actual license arrived in the mail. My dad was letting me drive his car to school, a first for me. Before I left, I knew that Rob wasn't doing well but my parents attempted to shield me from the situation. As I sat in the Hills common room watching the movie, I had a sinking feeling something was desperately wrong. I returned home to discover that Rob had been admitted to the hospital again. As this was a recurring incident, none of us thought much of it. We had almost lost him so many times that this didn't seem to be any different. The next morning I woke up, put on my uniform, and went out to the kitchen as I did every morning. My dad was already there with Tanner. It was then that he told us, very matter of fact and very somberly, that Rob had passed away early that morning. I numbly went to school, trying to hold back tears at breakfast. When someone asked, I explained the reason for the emotions but didn't elaborate. By lunch I was ready to go home. I called my dad and as I sat on the front lawn, I put on the song Believe by Josh Groban as a method of coping. To this day it is the song that reminds me of my uncle and everything he represented. As I listen to it now, I am transported back 4 years...4 years ago when things were different...when we were all a little younger, a little more naive, a little less weathered. Time can't heal all but it does help. We will always miss him. He will no longer be the head of our table at family holidays and sharing in special conversations with the cousins but he's always with us. Uncle Rob, wherever you are...we love you so much and are so proud of how hard you fought. Our greatest comfort is that you are no longer in pain. We hope that wherever you are you will always look down on us and be proud of the work we are doing. Love forever and ever.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Tears of Joy, Tears of Sadness
And once again, we have completed our spring dance show. If I could do the dance show all year round I totally would. It's like my little prize for surviving the semester.
I've gotten over the habit of crying when a show is over so the fact that I cried while I left the theatre tonight says something. This show meant a lot more than just a bi-annual tradition. It was the culmination of months of hard work. It exemplified some of my best traits as a stage manager. I got to work with people I'd never gotten to know before. I got my one-on-one time with Linda. And it's my last dance show this year. I'm in denial but it's true. I'm not doing the spring dance show and right now it's breaking my heart. I know that once I get there it won't be a big deal but right now it's truly heartbreaking. Leaving the booth tonight was difficult. I won't be calling a show up there for another year as the spring theatre show will be held outside and it is more than likely that my internship will be happening in the fall. I feel secure in the booth. That's where I became a stage manager. That's where I've succeeded and failed more times than I can count. So I have to trust that everything I learned and loved in the booth will travel with me wherever I go and that these memories are strong enough to keep me going when times get tough.
To the fabulous dance company, crew, Cathy, and Linda--thank you for giving some of the happiest memories in the theatre. My tears tonight are for you, to express my immense gratitude towards your work and sadness that we will not have these moments again for a year. But I will be back and better than ever :)
I've gotten over the habit of crying when a show is over so the fact that I cried while I left the theatre tonight says something. This show meant a lot more than just a bi-annual tradition. It was the culmination of months of hard work. It exemplified some of my best traits as a stage manager. I got to work with people I'd never gotten to know before. I got my one-on-one time with Linda. And it's my last dance show this year. I'm in denial but it's true. I'm not doing the spring dance show and right now it's breaking my heart. I know that once I get there it won't be a big deal but right now it's truly heartbreaking. Leaving the booth tonight was difficult. I won't be calling a show up there for another year as the spring theatre show will be held outside and it is more than likely that my internship will be happening in the fall. I feel secure in the booth. That's where I became a stage manager. That's where I've succeeded and failed more times than I can count. So I have to trust that everything I learned and loved in the booth will travel with me wherever I go and that these memories are strong enough to keep me going when times get tough.
To the fabulous dance company, crew, Cathy, and Linda--thank you for giving some of the happiest memories in the theatre. My tears tonight are for you, to express my immense gratitude towards your work and sadness that we will not have these moments again for a year. But I will be back and better than ever :)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Openings and Optimism
Dance show opened tonight. The dancers were beautiful. As for me, it wasn't one of my better nights. I alternate between good and bad nights and last night was great so tonight wasn't so wonderful. There were some great calls but I wasn't entirely satisfied. This is typical though. If you've worked on any show with me, especially on crew, you know that I'm extremely picky when it comes to calling cues. Cue calling is my art form. I don't settle for anything less than perfect so I'm very hard on myself. Tomorrow will be better though. And we're filming so that would be even better.
It's just been one of those nights. One of those nights where I'm so focused on the future that I can't even enjoy the present. Tonight should have been a happy night for me and it was for awhile. Dinner, hanging out with the crew, warming up the house with the dancers, the circle...all extremely awesome. But at the end of tonight I couldn't help but think that everything is coming to an end. I don't deal well with change. I will resist it for as long as I can. The semester ends tomorrow. Saturday will be my last night calling a show in LeFevre for awhile...possibly an entire year. I feel similarly to how I felt around this time 4 years ago. Resistant to change, clinging on to everything I know and love, fearful for the future. My fears are increased exponentially as I prepare for internship and grad school applications. Suddenly the future seems very demanding. A tendency I have is to be very attached to the present moment and regard any change as a severe interruption in my happy little life plan. And I know that once I move on, I will be fine. After all, I've survived two summers away from SMC with no trouble and even nearly gave up working the fall show because I was focused on the current happiness of THAT time. But for now, all I can think about is how much I love working in LeFevre, how much I love the people there, and how much I'm going to miss everything. It's not like I won't be busy...at the moment I have 3 shows lined up for next semester plus one (or more) in June. But I'll miss being in the theatre. The spring theatre show at SMC is an outdoor show which will be incredible but different. And as of right now I won't be working the spring dance show. That one may be the hardest for me. The dance shows have been my thing for as long as I've been here and are the highlight of my semester. They're like the prize for surviving the theatre show. So I'll just have to find my method for coping with that week once it comes, whatever method that may be. After that...well I'll have to get an internship sometime next year as part of my graduation requirement, meaning giving up one SMC show. Leaving me with one more show in the theatre. Suddenly a year and a half doesn't seem like that far away...
It's just been one of those nights. One of those nights where I'm so focused on the future that I can't even enjoy the present. Tonight should have been a happy night for me and it was for awhile. Dinner, hanging out with the crew, warming up the house with the dancers, the circle...all extremely awesome. But at the end of tonight I couldn't help but think that everything is coming to an end. I don't deal well with change. I will resist it for as long as I can. The semester ends tomorrow. Saturday will be my last night calling a show in LeFevre for awhile...possibly an entire year. I feel similarly to how I felt around this time 4 years ago. Resistant to change, clinging on to everything I know and love, fearful for the future. My fears are increased exponentially as I prepare for internship and grad school applications. Suddenly the future seems very demanding. A tendency I have is to be very attached to the present moment and regard any change as a severe interruption in my happy little life plan. And I know that once I move on, I will be fine. After all, I've survived two summers away from SMC with no trouble and even nearly gave up working the fall show because I was focused on the current happiness of THAT time. But for now, all I can think about is how much I love working in LeFevre, how much I love the people there, and how much I'm going to miss everything. It's not like I won't be busy...at the moment I have 3 shows lined up for next semester plus one (or more) in June. But I'll miss being in the theatre. The spring theatre show at SMC is an outdoor show which will be incredible but different. And as of right now I won't be working the spring dance show. That one may be the hardest for me. The dance shows have been my thing for as long as I've been here and are the highlight of my semester. They're like the prize for surviving the theatre show. So I'll just have to find my method for coping with that week once it comes, whatever method that may be. After that...well I'll have to get an internship sometime next year as part of my graduation requirement, meaning giving up one SMC show. Leaving me with one more show in the theatre. Suddenly a year and a half doesn't seem like that far away...
Fantasies Versus Reality
Tonight's blog entry is inspired by my wonderful friend, Mey.
I just sent her a skype message saying this: "that whole adult thing? Yeah I'm avoiding it too. Applying to grad school/leaving SMC freaks me out even more than I'm willing to admit and I prefer to live in my daydreams, visualizing the potentially wonderful life I have ahead of me in about 5-10 years. Sometimes...your fantasies are just so much more appealing".
This statement comes out of my desperate desire to cling to my vanishing childhood. Being an adult just sounds so much more terrifying. Leaving the comfort of college, supporting yourself, sacrifices and challenges, worries. When you're in college they tell you to live your dream, do what makes you happiest, follow your passion. You hear this from everyone, from your siblings to your professors to those who just feel like they need to mentor the newest generation of students. But as this comes closer and closer, I get more and more anxious about what my future holds. I'm talented. But compared to the rest of the theatre community? I'm just one more stage manager trying to get my foot in the door. I want to go to grad school. Am I going to get in? Can I pay for it? Can I live that far away from home? Will I enjoy it? Is it worth it? All worries that float around daily, never truly escaping my mind to go play in some dark swamp. Nope, they prefer to live with me, damn thoughts.
So instead of truly letting myself grasp that reality, I prefer to live in fantasies. I visualize a life I hope to lead. In my mind, if I wish something hard enough...it's bound to come true.
I just sent her a skype message saying this: "that whole adult thing? Yeah I'm avoiding it too. Applying to grad school/leaving SMC freaks me out even more than I'm willing to admit and I prefer to live in my daydreams, visualizing the potentially wonderful life I have ahead of me in about 5-10 years. Sometimes...your fantasies are just so much more appealing".
This statement comes out of my desperate desire to cling to my vanishing childhood. Being an adult just sounds so much more terrifying. Leaving the comfort of college, supporting yourself, sacrifices and challenges, worries. When you're in college they tell you to live your dream, do what makes you happiest, follow your passion. You hear this from everyone, from your siblings to your professors to those who just feel like they need to mentor the newest generation of students. But as this comes closer and closer, I get more and more anxious about what my future holds. I'm talented. But compared to the rest of the theatre community? I'm just one more stage manager trying to get my foot in the door. I want to go to grad school. Am I going to get in? Can I pay for it? Can I live that far away from home? Will I enjoy it? Is it worth it? All worries that float around daily, never truly escaping my mind to go play in some dark swamp. Nope, they prefer to live with me, damn thoughts.
So instead of truly letting myself grasp that reality, I prefer to live in fantasies. I visualize a life I hope to lead. In my mind, if I wish something hard enough...it's bound to come true.
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