Angels. Literal and Figurative.

It is officially week 3 of school at St. Mary's. My classes are still going well. Can I just state for the record that I truly love being a theatre major? I recently sat down and re-planned out my class schedule from now until I graduate. Not such a scary thing when you're a freshman but when you're suddenly down to 3.5 semesters left...it's a bit nervewracking. Suddenly I feel like I'm back in high school, trying to figure out where I'm applying to college. I already know where I'm applying to grad school and I know where I want to go. And when I'm ready to tell people I will. But it's extremely overwhelming trying to figure out how I'm going to visit, when I'm going to visit, what conventions I should attend, should I attend ACTF this year, am I willing to miss school to attend these, do I have the money, etc etc etc. However I do not have time to dwell on this because my heart currently belongs to a beautiful production of Angels in America. I'm like one of those moms who thinks her kid is the best thing in the world. Obviously she's biased as she produced this kid. But whatever. This production of Angels is going to be incredible and I will fight anyone who thinks otherwise. The joy I have being surrounded by some of my closest friends and being able to share this experience with them is indescribable. They are fully committed to their roles and it's actually heartwrenching to watch some of the scenes--and that's just the table reading. I have no doubt that once we get this production up on its feet it will tear our hearts out and make us even closer as a company. The amount of love, care, and respect we have for each other is incredible and I couldn't ask for anything more.

School Updates

I am officially back at school and settling into my regular routine. Back at school for less than a week and I'm settling into my typical routine. Classes, rehearsal, work, repeat. I am loving my classes. Auditions for Angels in America were today and callbacks are tomorrow and Saturday. Rehearsals start on Tuesday. I started my new job and the little girl is very sweet. It's been 90-100 degrees since Monday so I am definitely getting my fill of warm weather. My absolute favorite part of the day is dusk when it is wonderfully warm and I feel the most content. 3 day weekend coming up--can't wait!

Love to the Catalina girls--congrats on surviving your first week and I am proud of you for your auditions and try outs!

Settling In

I am now completely moved in and settled at St. Mary's. Well...moved in at least. Takes me awhile to really settle into a new situation. I'm not a fan of change nor transition but once I'm comfortable in a routine, I'll be fine. I've already had many adventures including target, a 10:00 pm trip to in n out, and a frightening but funny encounter with one of my least favorite people and tomorrow is my first day of classes so that should bring even more excitement.

I am concluding my night by cuddling in my nice new bed with my stuffed animals and watching Julie and Julia as a reminder of the last time I saw this movie and the happiness that surrounded it.

Happy first day of Catalina, girls, I am so happy for you!

What a Wonderful World

My final day in Monterey was amazing. I have my car back. I have a new *working* ipod player for my car. Both cars are packed up and ready to go in the morning. Got to see the campers/new freshmen at Catalina which was beyond wonderful and I'm thrilled that they are all together. And now I'm ready for school! Soon to be reunited with some of my best friends. And I already have a ridiculous schedule for the week.

Sunday:

7 am:Leave for school

9 am: Arrive at school, begin to unpack

2 pm: Show Alena where her classes are

5 pm: Work meeting

7 pm: End work meeting, TARGET trip with Danielle and Kathleen!

Monday:

10:20-2:00: Class

6 pm: Work meeting

Tuesday

1:10-5:30: Class

Prep for auditions

Wednesday

10:20-12:30: Class

3:00: Work

4:20-7: Auditions

Thursday

1:10-2:40: Class

3:00: Work

3:30-9:00: Auditions

Friday

10:20-2:00: Class

3:30: Performing Arts Department party

4:30-9:00: Auditions and callbacks

Saturday

10:00-3:00: Callbacks

Smile, though your heart is aching

I sit in my room surrounded by my possessions and I can't help but have a aching longing for the memories of this summer. I have always had incredible summers full of laughter and memories but this one in particular was superb. Camp was a whirlwind of singing, dancing, hugs, kisses, and smiles. These girls fill my hearts with joy and I am so glad we came together to meet at camp. Although camp has ended for many of them, so many more will soon be joining their legacy. I feel as close to them outside of camp as I when I was their counselor which is a testament to the incredible bonds we have formed. I look forward to seeing them grow up.

I had to say goodbye to my sister once more and this time was different. I'd become fairly accustomed to the 6 month separation that had become a standard of our relationship and even survived an entire year. But how I say goodbye for 2 and a half years? On her 18th birthday, during her birthday announcement, I told her that no matter how far apart we are, I would always be her little sister. A few months later, she told me, "you're my sister. we're family. you don't forget family". We are put the test as she is just months away from leaving for Africa and changing the world. I could be upset that she is leaving during a time when I need her the most but honestly, how could you get mad at someone who is doing so much good for the world? For the time being, I put aside the selfish longing of wanting my sister here with me and focus on the power she has to literally change the world. It prides me to know she is unselfish, good hearted, and kind enough to give herself to others for this extended period of time.

The song Smile by Charlie Chaplin provides inspiration and comfort to me. It's powerful lyrics are applicable and necessary to take to heart at this point in my life.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.

My dearest Anna, I love you

In My Life, I've Loved You More

My weekend has been incredible. Besides all of the hassle that's surrounding my life, I had such a great time this weekend. Spent time with family and friends, and outside in the amazing weather. Monterey has been 80 degrees all weekend--nearly unheard of. It put me in such a great mood.

I'm realizing more and more every day how blessed I am with my wonderful family. I spent yesterday and today with my cousins, Lisa and Leah. Lisa is the oldest of the cousins has always been my buddy. She was the cousin I wanted to hang out with when I was little and she is still the fun yet protective one. Leah and I are the closest in age and I have always loved spending time with her. I love when she visits. Both Lisa and Leah's dad's passed away within two years of each other. It was very difficult on all of us but especially on them and their families. Today Leah and I had the opportunity to talk about her dad and it was an amazing experience. I always want to talk about and hear stories about her dad, my Uncle Rob, but I usually have to wait until family functions or an old family friend comes over and even then I have to eavesdrop on conversations. She and I talked for nearly an hour about him and his life and how much we missed him but how awesome he was. He lived with us for the last 6 months of his life and Leah told me how grateful she was that my family had him living with us and acknowledged how difficult and painful it must have been for us. It was not an easy year for us. He had some really great and some really scary moments. Many scares but many laughs. I'm not going to pretend that it didn't affect me--I still can't hear people coughing in the middle of the night without immediately thinking of him and I'll never forget my fears--but it was also rewarding. I spent more time with him and learned more about him in those 6 months than I ever had before. It was so nice to spend time with her today.

I've also heard many stories this weekend about families splitting up, kids going to rehab, kids witnessing death, and other life altering stories. One girl in Salinas recently was in a car accident where her two best friends were killed and less than 2 months later witnessed the death of a friend's grandfather. I can't even imagine how she is feeling and my heart aches for her. I don't know if you can call my uncles' deaths "lucky" but I can say that I was fortunate to have been away when both of them passed away. All of these families that have so much to deal with make me even more appreciative of the incredible family (and by family, I include my amazing friends without whom I would be lost in the world) I have been blessed with. Nothing compares to their love.

Updates. Again.

You would think that with all my free time I would be updating more. Oops.

A lot has been going on. It's been a difficult couple of weeks but I'm staying positive. That's the only thing that will really cure this!

I've been home for a little over a week. I miss St.Mary's and the east bay but it's not quite as bad as it was last week. I'm heading up next weekend to work a show for Linda, to see Sam, and to watch the Tonys with Danielle. I cannot wait.

My girls graduated! I cannot believe they're going to college. My relationship with them has been a cross between a sister/mentor/mother and to see all 6 of them graduate was incredible. I couldn't be more proud. I also miss them very much and aware of the changes that will be coming up. But the graduation was beautiful as always and I had a wonderful day with them. I'll always remember the times we shared at Catalina with great fondness-they gave me some of the best memories. Brittny Marie, Taylor Mariah, Caroline Holly, Alexandra Nicole, Alena Christine, and Caitlin Muriel--I love you!

My financial situation has taken a turn for the worst. If I don't get scholarships or approved for enough loans, I won't be back at SMC in the fall. I've always known that money is a concern but I naively assumed it would work itself out. That may still happen but our time is very tight to figure this out. Tensions are high and the idea of not going back to SMC absolutely terrifies me. I refuse to entertain the idea because I can't handle it. I'm just going to keep calling banks, looking for scholarships, and keeping my fingers crossed because that's really all I can do right now.

My grandma is living with us part time. She's 94. She has always been the most active, independent woman of her age that I've ever known but about 2 months ago, she fell and fractured her hip. Her hip is doing much better but her fall was an indicator that she had taken a turn for the worst. Her memory is not very strong and neither is her eyesight. She requires around the clock supervision. She stays with us once or twice a week and it is both the most rewarding and most heartbreaking part of my life. She is completely sweet and sincere and she has the wittiest remarks that come out of nowhere. I know her life will be ending sometime soon--it could be tomorrow, it could be 5 years from now--but it is inevitable. It's both sad and amazing to have her around.

Sam was in the hospital. Her sister Zoe told me on Monday and I nearly had a heart attack. She'll be totally fine and I really shouldn't worry but the mention of hospitals freak me out. It could be for the most minor injury or illness and I would still get an awful feeling. I've had enough of hospitals this year...please no more...I love people too much.

That whole first kiss situation from May is still floating around in my mind. It did not end well. If you want details...just ask, I'll give them. All I have to say is boys need to think before they act. They can end up really hurting people who care about them.

All in all, I'm trying to stay positive. I have a lot of worries but I'm trying not to let them get me down. I have both Beauty and the Beast and Rent to look forward to. Summer camp always cheers me up. And I have the best friends in the world. Everything happens for a reason...I just gotta keep remembering that.