And I'm Back!

I'm beyond thrilled to be starting senior year tomorrow. I've never had a better living situation or a fuller schedule or a happier reason to go to class. I love that my best friends are just on the other side of me, that I have amazing suitemates, that I really like we all live in this space. It's wonderful.

Let It Happen

Today I literally wanted to sleep all day to avoid everything

And, sadly, I pretty much mastered that

I'm not the type to run away from responsibility but I will ignore reality if it suits me better. Too much reality.

My old technical director, Greg, is in the hospital again. Most likely he won't be back to Catalina even once he recovers. That is not something I want to deal with. So what do I do? Throw myself into a project. Hopefully it will cheer him up knowing us tech girls care about what happens

A very special person is moving. Again. Far away, again. It feels too similar.

Internship stress bogged me down today and I nearly lost my mind until the most amazing opportunity came to me. Nothing promised yet but I might have an amazing internship secured by next week

Job interview set for Friday. This job would be a dream come true for next year...pays well, fits beautifully in my schedule...I really really hope that works out


So right now...too many unknowns but slowly they are coming together

My Memories

When I started theatre, almost exactly 7 years ago, I was really into displaying EVERYTHING. So I saved a program and posters and little notes I'd accumulated during the show and tacked them up on a bulletin board in my room. As theatre slowly started taking over my life, my boards became a shrine to my passion. By the time I graduated, I had 4 bulletin boards completely full with programs, posters, postcards, ribbons, notes, and anything I could salvage from the shows that could be tacked up on the board.

When I started college, I needed a new binder for every show. At the end of each show I would close the binder (happily...I'm usually very ready for closing night) and put it in a box under my bed. I now have two boxes full of binders and every now and then I pull them out. It's fun to see how my style has evolved and to also be reminded of what each show was like. The transformation from Abundance, my first college show, to Angels in America, my grad school portfolio submission, is drastic. Angels has not joined the morgue of old shows quite yet as it is still very much alive. Once the grad school process is over...that's when I will finally put that binder away.

Timetable

I've never done things on the same time table as everyone else. I was the girl who matured at least two years before every other girl in my class yet has never been in a relationship. Ages just don't mean as much to me as everyone else.

I didn't get my license on my 16th birthday, I got it 3 months later on a date that meant more to me at a time when I felt more comfortable.

I've never had a boyfriend yet I've been planning my future since I was 11

I didn't do anything special for my 18th birthday (I was a camp counselor) but essentially that's the year I started my career

And on my 21st birthday I watched Mulan and drank sparkling cider with some of the best people I know. The desire to drink has never existed. Now that school is approaching, the pressure is mounting. You think that there's pressure when you're underage? Try when you're legal. At least you have a built in excuse when you're not legal. Now I'll have to convince people that I don't drink. Which in theory sounds easy and you're probably thinking if I had a backbone, it would be easy. The issue doesn't lie in me drinking--I don't do anything I don't feel completely comfortable with. It's the expectation that exists. I wish that it wasn't automatically assumed that now that I'm 21, I will suddenly feel comfortable with drinking. I don't care how safe it is, how people will look out for me...it's just not something I'm interested in nor do I feel comfortable with it yet. When I feel like I'm ready, it will just happen. I'm just hoping the rest of the world will understand that and leave me alone like they've done up until this point.

Things I look Forward To

Amidst the stress of senior year and my future, there is one comforting thought. I honestly cannot until I reach the age where I will have a family and finally have kids of my own. Although I'm learning to live in the moment better and am taking things one day at a time, I'll be excited when those days are here.

I can't wait to see who I end up with. What my kids will look like. How many I'll have. If they are adopted or biological because adoption is something I'm interested in. Where we'll live. And finally get to make home movies of my own. I look forward to every milestone, from their first steps to their high school graduations. I think there is nothing more precious than watching children grow up and reach their own moments of success. And when those days are here...I think I'll definitely be living in the moment.

Never a Moment of Stasis

You can thank my director, Reid, for the use of the word "stasis". It's one of his favorites to use in acting class and during rehearsal processes

Today was one of those crazy whirlwind days which began in a lovely way.

Spent about an hour talking to Linda which is definitely something I needed. With all of the projects I'm working on, she's one of the people I need most to remind me that it will all be okay.

Almost got an internship today but I don't think that one's going to work out so I'm literally back to square one. Keep your fingers crossed...I'm getting worried.

My dad finally came home! His truck broke down at our cabin and he was supposed to be back on Wednesday but now he's home

One of my closest friends will be leaving the country for awhile. Limited communication to the states. I'm going to miss her terribly I really gotta get better about dealing with stuff like this.

I'll be going to the American College Dance Festival in March which I'm really excited about. I'll be stage managing one of our dance pieces which is an awesome opportunity for me. I've never gone before but as it's my senior year, Linda and Cathy have been trying for awhile to find the right time for me to go and now we found it!

Confession: I really like a Miley Cyrus song right now. I KNOW, as a person she disgusts me and for the most part her voice is obnoxious but her song "I'll always remember you" is pretty fitting for my life right now

What's Normal

Normal people sleep at 2 am

I study for the math section of the GRE with my kitty sleeping next to me and listen to the Yale Whiffenpoofs on repeat as my reminder for why I'm doing this crazy thing

I swear to God, whoever wrote out the explanations of these problems has never taught a class on math. Either that or their class failed because they are so unclear

Dear Small Critters

Dear small critters who insist on skittering across my roof at night,

Um

Stop

It's becoming increasingly annoying and I do not like noises in the night


Thanks

Reminders

There's a lot I have to conquer

Internship
Grad School Apps
GRE
Senior Project

Any number of these would be enough to keep me busy but, per usual, I'm not taking the easy way out

Tonight I pulled out my Angels in America binder, the one thing that's going to get me through the next few months, as a reminder for why I'm doing all of this. That binder is the representation of everything I've learned for the past 7 years and a demonstration of my ability...proof that, in fact I can do this.

So when I get overwhelmed, which is a frequent occurrence, or doubt that I can actually pull this off (also a frequent occurrence), I just need to pull out that binder. It's full to capacity with memories...the memories of the original production and the tour and everything those meant to me. It wasn't an easy process by any means but it bonded us together. We undertook one of the greatest adventures of our careers and I will never forget what that meant to me. The people I worked with, the people who believed in us, and the people I spent time with during the process...that's what that show really was. How we all came together for this common goal...the true representation of theatre.

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where I'm going to get an internship, how good my grad school essays will be, if I will be able to answer a single question on the math section of the GRE, if my senior project will make Linda proud, or if I will even get into grad school. I don't even know how much sleep or real rest I'm going to get until I have a definite answer for all of these questions but I do know that I will get through it. Through every email to theatre companies, every rewritten grad school essay, every demanding question on the GRE, every step I take to perfect my senior project, and even through the potential grad school rejections. Because I have something that not everyone can boast about. I have the most incredible support system you could ever imagine. They believe in me, they believe in theatre, and they actually know how to do their jobs well. If I fail it won't be from lack of trying.

Amazing

It is utterly amazing that after twenty minutes of passionate hysterical sobbing over...well the instigator was my GRE math study guide and it was just downhill from there...that all I needed was to go through all of my tagged photos on Facebook and remind myself of all the crazy fun memories I've had.

Good to know because I feel like this is going to be a recurring theme this year.

The Skates

Today I laced up my competition roller skates for the first time in over a year. I went skating last year with my suite but those were rental skates and although they got the job done, they weren't mine.

Wearing these skates reminded me how much fun and security I felt while I was skating. These skates look worn. Their once pure white color and perfect round wheels are now stained with memories of every competition, every practice, and every routine I executed. But their familiar feel and look is comforting. Although it took me a little longer to lace them up (I used to be the first person out of the floor and the first to leave at the end of practice because of the speed at which I laced my skates), the routine felt familiar.

Skating in my front entry way isn't quite the same as having an entire seamless floor over which to skate but it was the idea that this is still something to which I belong. This is my sport and I miss having the chance to do this 3-4 times a week.

So my hips are now sore from trying the spreadeagle and I definitely fell once but it's totally worth it.

Hello Again

Somehow this summer has dwindled down to nothing but three weeks left. I don't really know when that happened, as is the case with much in my life. Sadly I spend so much time living in the future that I forget to appreciate the day to day miracles.

So what does this mean? It means my jobs are done. It means I should begin getting ready for school. And it really means I should be doing everything I put off all summer. However, as I am constantly examining my life and attempting to understand why I am the way I am, I've discovered that there is no point trying to make me do something unless I am entirely motivated and whole heartedly willing to put in the effort. And on the flip side, once I find that motivation it is essential I follow through because who knows when it will come back.

Which has led us to where we are today. Spending long days sitting in my house, streaming Netflix for endless hours, eating as poorly as a reasonable person could, and cuddling with my cat. Upon tiring of these frivolous activities, I study for the GRE...at 2:00 am. I could be reasonable and just sleep but I know that I have to grab those moments of motivation or I will literally never get anything done. I wish I could say the motivation to write my grad school essays had surfaced but sadly that desire is remaining dormant for the moment. For topics that seem so easy I'm having the most difficult time forming complete sentences. How do you reduce your entire passion and structure of life into six five-hundred word essays?

On the one hand, I could talk for hours about theatre. How theatre changed my life. Why I feel stage management is simply ingrained into my soul and defines every move I make. How a school changed the way I saw myself. And how one person made all of that come together. And on the other hand, I am accustomed to talking about these defining moments in conversational terms and I am trying to impress the top universities in the country. But no pressure or anything.

Those are the thoughts of the night. More tomorrow.

With love





***
Case in Point: I wrote the first paragraph to my Columbia essay (or...the first draft of it anyway)



Learn from the Past, Live in the Present, Lean towards the Prospective

Theatre is a collective experience, rich with integrity, theories, and ardor. In my years of working in theatre I have been blessed to work with many lovely and passionate artists, and I have also been fortunate to see the positive light in every negative situation. With each show brings countless reasons to laugh, inevitable instances from which to learn, and appreciated moments of stasis. As I continue to hone my craft I am perpetually acquiring new influences that dictate the doctrine by which I stage manage. I view every show as a new challenge, a new learning experience, and new opportunity to make the acquaintance of someone with the ability to change my life.